The Sea

Her vast, soft, wet belly beckons me, tempts me, seduces me. Her forgiveness is dashed upon the silent rocks. Her deepest desires hidden for a thousand million years. She masks her cruel, violent, vengeful nature with a calm blue luster. The countless lost souls are her's to keep. That selfish siren, the sea. -Johnny V.

She knows

Once more into the fray she tells me. She knows I won't bear it.

She steals what little dignity I have collected. And tosses it aside at her pleasure.

I beg her to stop but she continues at will, crushing my heart in her wake.

She calls for her demon followers they appear from the darkness.

As always they feed off my weakened and bitter soul.

-Johnny V.

My heart!

Well as we know the heart can have a great deal of effect on our lives. Both in reality and in metaphor. Well I am dealing with both. Not sure how I feel about either one. Part of me was hoping that when they poured the alcohol on my heart it would kill the part that was hurting so much. And ironically they didn't do it. And the hurt has changed a little. Oh well such is life. I will just have to wait and see what happens with the knife in July. Later I will post what exactly they will be doing. Complete with picture from the surgeon. Well one he drew on the white board in my room not real life one. But those were pretty cool too. As I said I was awake though the whole thing and saw most of what they were doing on screen. It was strange and cool all at the same time. Not as creepy as my cornea transplant. That was uber creepy. This time was really rough on my daughter. She insisted on coming up to Denver with us. She wanted to be there. But when she saw me hooked up to IV and other stuff she kinda lost it. Wife said she cried on way to my mother in law's house. So we are not sure if she will be there next time till I am in regular room and minus tubes and stuff like that.

The first day back

At home feeling very crappy. Big breathing trouble. Even with just few moments off the oxygen. Gonna try taking a nap see if that works. Got a lot of different things on my horizon. Not sure what to expect from them. Some were expected some not. Some hoped for some not. Worried that some may end badly. Such is life.

-Johnny V.

Heart update

Well my dear loving friends following the sad pathetic cycle that is my life. Sorry to disappoint you but I am alive. Mainly because, as you all may know the procedure did not go well. Actually to be honest it didn’t “go” period. After getting the catheter in place and looking at the mapping of the veins and arteries surrounding and feeding the heart they felt it was much too dangerous and risky to use the alcohol. It was too complicated to do it without causing a very severe and large heart attack. So they did not go through with it. Instead they as was expected if this didn’t work referred me to the actual heart surgeon and will be forced to perform open-heart surgery. At which time they will be able to see the enlarged muscle and cut it away without damaging the rest of the heart. This however will be much more dangerous and invasive for me. My hospital stay will be around 5-7 days and my recovery around 2 months. Also in addition to my already unsightly body I will be adding a large chest scar. How fun is that? I thank you all for your love and prayers. I know it is asking a lot but please keep praying for me, as I will need much more help. Again I love you all and I know that I could never get by without your support, friendship, and toe wiggles.

What's happened

Well they couldn't do the alcohol thing. They got in there and realized it was too risky and dangerous. So they will have to do the full open heart thing in late July. I'm very worried and nervous. I am just so tired of this.

-Johnny V.

WOW!

How is it that some people can be so cruel? I just dont understand.

Getting ready

On the way to hospital. Scared as Hell.

June 19, 2012

Well tomorrow afternoon we go to Denver. We will stay on hotel near the hospital since we have to be there are six thirty. The actual surgery will began around nine I guess. It should take about two hours. Then be in ICU for a few hours till they feel I am okay. Then to regular room. I hope to go home Friday. But not sure. So I am betting on Saturday. So if its Friday I can be surprised. I am getting very scared as it draws closer. I mean it seems sometimes like its easy. But fuck man they are going to be messing with my heart. That could go really wrong and Im worried. But I will just have to go face it and see what happens. Thanks for all the love and support and for those of you that read this thank you. And a big thanks to Kristine for actually making a comment or two. -Johnny V.

Coffee

Had coffee with dear friend this morning. Ran to library. But not breathing good today at all. Going to be a very bad day. Going home to chill.

-Johnny V.