Today!

FUCK ME!

The Temptress

The temptress leaves her memory like scars upon my soul.

Each escape is a fruitless branch on a winter's bone.

The emptiness of the loss leaves my heart barren and shameless.

My knees are bloodied, but still I beg.

Yet my pleas fall upon a stone heart.

-Johnny V.

June 13, 2012

Having to drink gross stuff to prepare for my procedure tomorrow. It's gross and I'm tired of being sick. I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I am also deeply scared about my surgery. Next week. What if my heart stops and they can't get it started again? I can't focus on anything. My mind is moving from tomorrow to surgery to the valuable friendship I ruined to my wife, kids, and family. I can't stand it anymore. -Johnny V.

I'm working on getting better.

To all my sweet and wonderful Facebook friends who have been watching and following my current physical and emotional roller coaster I have to tell you something. First I thank you deeply for your love and support on both matters. Secondly let me assure you I will be okay. Physically I am feeling better. I am on oxygen 24/7 now. I was supposed to be but wasn’t doing so cause it was pissing me off. But I am taking better care of myself now. Lastly as for the emotional, I am still hurting deeply and will for quite a while longer. But I have a wonderful family and amazing friends all of who help me. I am just going to have to feel like this till I get it worked out, and just don't feel like this anymore. So for a little while you may have to see some of my stupid crybaby posts about my feelings. But it will hurt less and less each day with the help of my family, friends, and God. Thank you again for your love and support. And for those very few who have also been following my blog same thing said here applies there too. I promise I am going to be okay just need time and people to listen to me cry now and then thanks.

June 12, 2012

Well health was shitty today. Took another downward spin. Feeling very weak and light headed again. So sick of this. I just want it to be over. No matter how. I just want it done. But even worse I still can't let go of this pain. I can't just drop the matter and move on with my life. I hate this about myself. I wish I could just go forward with my life. I can't bring myself to erase the texts messages saved in my phone. Or the IM messages in FB. And there are tons of them. Or delete her number from my phone. Yet I am sure she has done all these with my information. I don't know why I cant do this. It just makes everything worse. I want it all to be over. I still want her friendship even now after all this time and pain. But I know her and I doubt it will ever happen. So I just slowly get sadder and sadder. -Johnny V.

Saturday June 9th

Well today was a horrible day. I felt like crap. I didn't sleep well and got up way too early. Plus it was a day I was looking forward to seeing somebody but of course it didn't happen because I fuck things up on a regular basis. I just wish I could keep my stupid mouth shut. I am so sick of losing people because I am so stupid. I don't understand why I can't learn. It happens all the time. I am again having trouble breathing and getting fatigued all over again. I just can't seem to win this battle either physically or emotionally. I don't know if I can make it anymore. -Johnny V.

New update.

Well went to the doctor today. It appears I have very low red blood cell count, and extremely low iron. Doctor if very worried. Wants to check to make sure I am not bleeding internally someplace. Thinking it could be an ulcer or something minor like that. But not sure. This is just one more fucking thing I have to deal with. I am so done with this. FUCK!! -Johnny V.

Quick hello

I am going to enter a poetry contest. With all this pain and shit I have been going through it has had me writing like a fool.

Make it stop

I can't take this any more. I am in constant hurt. Everything reminds me of it. Every place I look, anything I see. I can't shake it. I have small pockets of time with the family having fun where I forget. But then as it winds down there is the pain again. I just want to scream at the sky sometime. I just want to yell at God and ask him, "why me?" Why is it always me? Don't I ever get what I want? Why do I fuck everything up? I am so sick of things not working out for me. Maybe if this surgery goes wrong and I don't wake up, it will just be for the best. Then I can't screw up people's lives anymore. Including my family. I just can't take it anymore. Please somebody make it stop! -Johnny V,

Trust

I have placed my trust in those who would betray me.

Their pleasure in my pain would be grander than their apathy.

But hence tis all I have left.

The ache is beyond this body's limits.

A solution is impossible in its simplicity.

Yet no strength to perform this task remains.

I hold fast to the dust that is left.

The demons of my soul are shouting down the better angels in my brain.

-Johnny V.