Checking in.

Just checked in now. Waiting for them to call me back to get started. Scared fucking shitless. But I know I'm in good hands. Hopefully I will post later.

-Johnny V.

Sunday

Sitting here watching tv with my daughter. Having fun but very worried about tomorrow's surgery. I'm fucking scared shitless. I don't want to go through with it.

-Johnny V.

Shitty day so far

Morning was wonderful. Had great coffee and conversation. Then just long and rough day. Picking up wife from work then nap. Not feeling too great today. Not very happy. Don't want to have this operation. Very nervous and scared. Worried something will go wrong.

-Johnny V.

Ps. Life next time I have a fucking stupid idea slap me.

A Dog's Life

I brought home our dog today. It was super sad to see her all cut up. It broke my heart. I always tease her about being a stupid dog. Now I feel bad. She just is in a lot of pain. Poor little thing.

-Johnny V.

Pain

I wear my pain like an old familiar garment.

Each tear, each mark has its own story.

The cold cuts through more quickly today. But I refuse to let it go.

I wrap it around me tighter still. Hoping it will protect my bare soul.

But alas it has long outlived its duty.

-Johnny V.

New update on my birthday.

Well I can easily say that my 40th birthday was one of if not the best in my life. But my 44th could be one of the worst. I spent the day in Denver getting pre-operative information about my surgery scheduled for the 23rd. It only made me more worried and more concerned about what is going to happen to me. I am not looking forward to the long and restrictive recovery time. Or worse yet the few first few days out of surgery. It will be painful and very restrictive. And I being a control freak hate that feeling more than anything else. So I am just more fearful that something will go wrong and mess me up even more or even end me. Just not a happy day. Secondly our family dog, my daughter's dog got violently attacked today and almost died. My son was home alone and thankfully a dear friend of mine was able to take him and the dog to the vet. She was deeply cut and hurt badly. But doctor thinks she will be okay. But is looking at a long recovery and possible a second surgery to help repair her. Needless to say my baby girl is a total wreck. Also I have gotten myself into a bind. I have a situation on Friday I am not sure I want to deal with. But I can't avoid it. No matter how easy it would be to stop. I just can't do it. I want it too badly. But I am so afraid that it may hurt me so very very deep. I am not sure I can emotionally handle it. I feel like I am setting myself up for a terrible fall. But I just can't stay away. I feel like a moth at the flame. Lastly I have also had some feelings that I don't think I should be having. I have tried to hide them for a long time. I have fought them for a long while. But lately they have come out in full force and I am not sure what will come of them. I am very worried. It is not a happy time for the old Vster!! -Johnny V.

Life

Boy oh boy. Life offers that she may deny. For what joy is there in taking away something you don't want or have never known. Just as fucking life was turning around and things were looking on the up and up. Life kicks you right in the fucking balls. But can't say I am surprised. I mean hell it wouldn't be my life if it was good for any length of time. I don't know why I just don't learn. I should have sucker tattooed on my fucking forehead. I fall for it every single time. Just as the road gets smooth life puts a giant pothole in the middle. And you have not choice but to hit it head on. Fucking so sick of this fucking shit. -Johnny V.

Just feeling good.

I am finally feeling good about myself today. I hit a point in my life where I made a choice not to be used anymore. I am still the warm hearted guy. But too often I allow myself to get sucked into things because I am a softy. And it just has to stop. I have to understand that I can stand up for myself and for what is right and if somebody doesn't like what I have to say then that is their problem not mine. I have to protect myself and my heart. I so often wear it on my sleeve. I often allow the problems of others to become my own. I try so hard to help them and solve their problems that my own seem to suffer. And that is unfair to me and to my family. This will not happen anymore. I will always be here to help my friends and loved ones. I will do all that I can to help out. That will never change but I will no longer put their needs above my own needs and feelings. I have done that in the past and it has caused me to do things I didn't like. It caused me to act in ways I didn't like. I can't have that happen again. Not for my personal sanity, not for my family's sake, and especially for my health. So I am turning over a new leaf and will not let this happen again. I feel good!!! -Johnny V.

The Great Silence directed by Sergio Corbucci

This was a brilliant film. So different than any western I have ever seen. I am a big fan of Sergio Leone's films and had this film recommended to me because of that. This film was amazing. The performances although dubbed were profound and powerful to watch.The story line was wonderful. I am not one who likes talking about a film being a statement about war or power etc. I just like the film as a piece of art. This one is exactly that. I have studied film and believe that one way to tell a great film is to watch it with the sound off and if you can follow it still its done well. This is exactly that type of film. I watched it once and then right after it was done muted it and watched it a second time. The characters were so well written and directed that you could relate to each of them. Even to the brutal Loco. The camera work also pulled you into the story. The use of shaky hand held cameras added to the effect of certain scenes. Also the snow which was one of the things making it so unique. It became so powerful that it took on a life of its own and became a character in the film. A character that battled each of the others and effected them all in different ways. As mentioned in the liner notes and in other reviews it is a very violent film but a very different violence than most of us are used to. Especially here in the USA. This is in all ways one of the most amazing films I have ever seen. -Johnny V.

July 11, 2012

Well been feeling cruddy but I have been getting lots of writing done. I feel good when I write. I have not had any poems in a few days. But have been editing and adding to my book. I have a few people reading it for me. And have gotten back some nice ideas.

On the heartache side I'm doing a little better. Time as they say heals all. I didn't think the pain would ever stop. It's still there but its not as bad. In the last two weeks I have seen things as they really are, and its not pretty.

As for the physical I have been getting worse. I'm more tired and the breathing is more difficult. The dizzy spells are getting harder. Last week I even fell over and hurt my leg. But I'm trying to rest. Just waiting for the surgery and see how things go.

-Johnny V.

Billy Joel

Been listening to a lot of Billy lately. I mean I always have him somewhere close. But have just been really doing some deeper listening. Thinking about how different songs are appealing to me at this stage in my life than did sometime ago. How certain songs have very different meanings to me than before. One big one is "An Angry Young Man." I used to love this song (still do just in a different way) for its teen angst and power. But now I listen to it thinking this guy needs to slow down. He needs to think before he acts. Regrets are the most destructive force in the world. Then there is "Vienna" Saw it one way when I was younger but now it seems to be much more of a powerful song to me. Just something over all not just Billy Joel music that I have been thinking about. Guess its partly because my 44th birthday is coming up in a few weeks. OUCH!! -Johnny V.

Good mornin star shine.

Hello ladies and gentlemen. It's amazing how a nights sleep can change one's perspective. Even if its only 4 hours. Feeling better this morning. Looking to do some more writing today. Then maybe go swimming. I have not been in a very long time. My doctor said it is good for my jacked up heart. Then steak for dinner.......

-Johnny V.

Drive in

I had a very nice evening with a dear friend at the drive in theater. It was fun. Have not been to a drive in since forever. Saw the new spider-man, it was okay. But I did like the new guy. He was funny and cool. Not like Toby he is just a crying pussy. But the really cool movie was Men in Black III. It was so neat. I really enjoyed how it tied in the past. Won't spoil anything except to say bring tissue. I would like to deeply thank that dear friend. Spent lunch with her too. And she let me cry on her shoulder. I got some very terrible news today. And since my family is in Denver I am home alone this weekend. There was one thing I did not want and that was to be home alone. I knew I would just brood and wallow in self pity. And when I do that to the degree I knew I'd be at with this news it never turns out good. The last time I was this depressed. So very very long ago. I ended up in the ER getting my stomach pumped and forced to stay there for three days. Not a happy time in my life. So I am thankful for this friend for taking time out of her busy day to be my sounding board and letting me be around. It truly could have saved my life. Well except for the fact that there are no more fucking sleeping pills left in the goddamn house. Love you all even those who don't read my shit. -Johnny V.

Torn

The once sealed scars upon my heart have broken open again.

Although self inflicted, they are deeper still.

The thick scarlet liquid flows as it mocks my soul.

The endless stream of tears drain the tenderness from my spirit.

Nothing will stop the flow, for its source is far too deep.

Escape is not an option, so I wait for life to cease and hope the pain ends.
-Johnny V.

Life so far

Well not much has changed in my life. Other than my body is weaker. I am even more fatigued and tired each day. I have more of a struggle to breath. So I can do even less. It is frustrating and scary. But knowing it will be better soon and clutching to my family and friends helps. As for other parts of my life well not so great. Still in a great deal of pain over certain situations. And frustrated that I am still so hurt. I should just be able to move on and get on with my life. But letting go has always been very hard for me. And this is not getting easier. I find that each day that passes I am thinking about it less and less. Which I guess is good. But still I just want the hurt to go away. -Johnny V.

Hunger

The sharp thistles are hidden amongst the petals.
But her tender, bare soles touch only the flowers.
For she has surpassed such human frailty.
Her beauty is angelic but her soul, black as pitch.
She spies her willing yet unsuspecting host.
She clothes her nakedness in his rich desire.
His wish to please her is matched only by his need to possess her.
His strength vanishes as his lust grows.
When she has her fill, his tasteless remains are tossed to her howling canine.

-Johnny V.