The Guardians

The guardians at the gate know my name. But still won’t let me cross. I don’t belong, they preach. I’m not wanted anywhere. The devil rises up heavy with gold and offers me a bed. I tell him my soul is not for sale. But he knows best. After all it is his demons that have created this mess. -Johnny V.

June 18, 2012

Today was a pretty shitty day. Had some things to take care of to get the car ready for our trip up to Denver. And struggled with the heat and breathing badly. Also had some pretty bad dizzy spells. I was just really feeling bad all around. Insomnia hit me again last night and was torturing me pretty bad. But I pulled through it okay. As anyone who read the blog last night could tell I went from a pretty deep dark scary place to being okay. But its still pretty grim inside my soul. I am just working at hiding it better. The pain is still pretty bad. But I am working on it day by day. I just want to ask those who do read this blog to please, oh please now and then add a comment to something you read. Even if it pisses you off and you want to say John you are a dick. Just so that I know it is at least being read and having some type of effect on people. -Johnny V.

New app.

Okay so I downloaded a new app for my phone which allows me to blog quicker and easier. Which means even more stupid stuff nobody wants to read. Sweet....

-Johnny V.

Car

Sitting in dealership waiting for car to be serviced. Getting ready for Denver trip. Feeling really shitty today both physically and emotionally. But it will pass.

Epiphany

Okay I've been thinking. I know I know it is a rare thing. Anyway, I have been so anguished over trying to change the minds of other people. Relying on them to make me happy. I can't do that. I can't do it to my wife, my kids, my friends, or myself.

I've been feeling guilty about some of what I have posted on FB or written on my blog. Then I realized its MY blog. I feel better when I write. It helps me work out my feelings, my fears, my pain. Some people, scream, some exercise, some break things, some drink, I write. That's what I do. It can be my silly blog, my comedy, my poems, my book whatever. But they are my feelings. And nobody has a right to judge my feelings.

If I start quoting facts and my facts are wrong the call me the fuck out on my facts. But only god and I can judge my feelings, my heart, or my soul. I'm proud of my poems, they help me deal with the demons I carry. I'm proud of my book. I think its pretty good. I'm even proud of this silly little blog. So I will continue to write about my feelings. They belong to me. Thank you all for your time we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

-Johnny V.

Demons

The blackness is stronger than my will.

The demons are laughing for they know my weakness.

They have had me here before.

This is where they taunt my soul.

I listen for something beyond their howls but only silence, only rejection.

-Johnny V.

Even Billy Joel doesn't work.

Holly shit I know things are bad when Billy Joel won't even help. I'm so sick of this fucking feeling. I just want the pain to fucking end. I don't know how to make it stop. I am in a mind set I have not been in for a very very long time. And it scares me. I can't escape it. I don't like this place. It is dark and cold. I know it well I have visited it many many times. But I have always escaped. A few times not as easily as others. Some landed me in places I didn't like either. I won't let it take me there this time. I will get out. I can't crumble under the weight of the darkness again. Not now. I found myself looking in the medicine cabinet looking at the bottle of sleeping pills they gave to my wife a while back. I guess god was watching out for me. There were only fucking two left. So I guess that is his way of telling me the demons wont get me this time. I will just have to endure them till they decide to go away. -Johnny v.

Fucked up again.

I can't help it. I just fuck up everything. I try to make it better but just make it worse. I don't know when to stop. I can't let go. It's always been my problem. I don't know why. No wonder I destroy every good thing in my life. I am sorry to those I hurt.

-Johnny V.

Saw an old friend.

Had a great coffee with my old school friend Andy. In high school and college we were the closest. Have not seen him in ages. Gosh how fun. We had a wonderful time. It was awesome. Thanks buddy!!

-Johnny V.

June 16 2012

So many different emotions running through me today. I am first missing my father deeply. We lost him in 2009 and it still hurts like it was yesterday. Tomorrow is going to be hard for all. Next I am excited to spend the day with my family for father's day. Usually we go up to San Isabel and go fishing. But this year with funds depleted and my condition not going to happen. So we will just stay home and be silly together. I am looking forward to the gifts. The kids saved their own money and bought me something. I don't even care what it is. I am just glad. Because they are both so happy and they just can't wait to give them to me tomorrow. I am also worried and scared about my surgery coming up on Thursday. I am worried that something may go wrong. Or that they won't be able to get to the artery and will not be able to do the procedure at all. I am worried that even if they do it nothing with change and I will just keep getting worse. I am worried how it is affecting my wife and kids. And the rest of my family. I know they are scared too but putting on a strong face for me. I love them all for that. And lastly my heart aches still for the loss of the friendship I ruined. I know that so much of what I did was stupid and wrong. But I didn't mean for any of it to happen. But what is also upsetting is that so many of the things she got angry at me for are the same things she was doing or had done. But either she didn't see them as the same or else she was just bothered by my doing them. I don't know which. And since we will likely never speak again I will never know. That hurts. I don't know that anybody ever reads these but I found out that at least one person did. But since I never see any comments on my posts I assume nobody sees them. I always write my poetry hoping someone will see it and comment on them. I am very proud of my work. I think I am pretty good. But sometimes I think that someone commenting on my painful and angry posts might help me to heal a little better. At least to know that somebody can understand or relate to what I am going through. Even if they don't agree with me. -Johnny V.