June 16 2012

So many different emotions running through me today. I am first missing my father deeply. We lost him in 2009 and it still hurts like it was yesterday. Tomorrow is going to be hard for all. Next I am excited to spend the day with my family for father's day. Usually we go up to San Isabel and go fishing. But this year with funds depleted and my condition not going to happen. So we will just stay home and be silly together. I am looking forward to the gifts. The kids saved their own money and bought me something. I don't even care what it is. I am just glad. Because they are both so happy and they just can't wait to give them to me tomorrow. I am also worried and scared about my surgery coming up on Thursday. I am worried that something may go wrong. Or that they won't be able to get to the artery and will not be able to do the procedure at all. I am worried that even if they do it nothing with change and I will just keep getting worse. I am worried how it is affecting my wife and kids. And the rest of my family. I know they are scared too but putting on a strong face for me. I love them all for that. And lastly my heart aches still for the loss of the friendship I ruined. I know that so much of what I did was stupid and wrong. But I didn't mean for any of it to happen. But what is also upsetting is that so many of the things she got angry at me for are the same things she was doing or had done. But either she didn't see them as the same or else she was just bothered by my doing them. I don't know which. And since we will likely never speak again I will never know. That hurts. I don't know that anybody ever reads these but I found out that at least one person did. But since I never see any comments on my posts I assume nobody sees them. I always write my poetry hoping someone will see it and comment on them. I am very proud of my work. I think I am pretty good. But sometimes I think that someone commenting on my painful and angry posts might help me to heal a little better. At least to know that somebody can understand or relate to what I am going through. Even if they don't agree with me. -Johnny V.