Lost my friend

Today was a very powerfully sad day. I know why but don't want to admit it to myself. I think I have lost a good and tender friend. But Im not sure. We have had a rough road lately. I am unsure how deep her anger is with me. But I am afraid to ask. I fear that she will tell me she is done with me as a friend and I don't think I can really bear that right now. Or ever as a matter of fact. I know that her life is in a tailspin right now. She is very busy. But still she has not really talked to me in several days and we usually chat all the time. I am crazy how this is affecting me. It is stressing me out beyond belief. As with most things I am obsessing about it. I just don't know if she is avoiding me for a reason or is just too busy. But even when she is busy she still manages a hello text or message here or there. I just don't know what to do. I am so sick of this ache in my heart. -Johnny V.

Struggling

I am feeling better now that I know the date for the surgery is set. I know that the doctors like to call it a procedure but I still think its surgery. Its my fucking heart they will be playing with. But I am struggling with another problem. My family has gone through such rough years lately since my father's passing. It has just been very rough. Job loss and money problems. And now with this surgery and the three ER visits it is just piling up more and more. I am feeling so super stressed. I am just going crazy. I am praying daily that something will work out but right now nothing. I have applied for disability but so far no word. I just hate it..... -Johnny V.

Ayn Rand

I had just finished watching what can in my mind only be called propaganda biography of Ayn Rand. I would later discover that the institute supporting her philosophy and her cause produced it. And although the program was geared to put a very positive light on her life and writings, there was still a wealth of information. I disliked the production for it’s bias but did learn quite a bit. It also sparked further study on my part and anything that inspires one to gain more knowledge can never be wholly bad. Granted she was a brilliant and fascinating woman. The more I study and read of and about her I become more interested. I also see that as with Hitler’s reading of Nietzsche her philosophy has been bastardized and abused by many. It has been twisted to justify their own personal agenda. I still disagree deeply with objectivism as a philosophy; I see it as an intellectualized attempt to justify relativism. To justify Egoism, in a sense I like to think of it as Humanism without a soul. While praising and glorifying the human spirit and the rational mind Objectivism neglects the second part of what makes us human, our connection to and dependence on each other. In fact it rages against that part of our existence at every turn. However in today’s world our dependence on others and the whole has never been more important. That is what has always concerned me about any philosophy that attempts to justify a reliance on perception alone, as its basis. To argue that perception can be subjective, but also rational to me seems contradictory and incompatible. It defies logic, it is logically impossible for two separate and opposite perceptions to both be true. Ayn Rand’s ideas came from her situation and her time. Not sure that her ideas would have been the same or as strong if she had been living in London at the same time in history. The industrial revolution in certain parts of the world and then the brutal political revolution in her nations deeply affected her thinking. Her ideal man and her ultimate hero John Galt could have only come about during that time in history. Bringing her memories of the devastation of Russia with her to the glory and freedom she found in America was the perfect spark to start the raging fire that she was. When man was changing how he lived and how he defined himself. It was a time when man could change his world. When man could make life better for himself. Ayn came to this nation just as it was truly beginning to define itself. We had very strong and powerful men who made their mark on history and in doing so made this country great. There is no denying that at all. This was a time in history when this could happen. Not sure if it could have happened any other time in our country’s history. But we have passed that point in our history. We have built this nation into the most powerful country on the planet. But now we must maintain it. That cannot happen with the same wild west lassie fair abandon we had at that time. Even then some saw the need to pull back on the reins to protect the nation from ruin. It is the reason our President Teddy Roosevelt fought so hard to prevent the brutal results of unchecked greed from crushing the common man. The frightening thing today is that the greed of people like Rockefeller, Ford, Hughes, and others like Rand’s hero John Galt has gone uncheck for far too long. It has gone too far and I fear there may not be a way to save the country as we did before. Also the influx of those who hold the earlier mentioned bastardized ideals of Rand’s philosophy have become a strong force in our current government. There are a vast number of those in our government today who want to see a complete destruction of the federal power. Not just a simple limitation of the federal government but a complete starvation of the beast so to speak and a stronger control to the individual states. Those who believe that compromise is a loss of individual morals and rights have taken hold. To the point where they are no only willing to see the government fail but in fact have that as their end goal. They see this unshaken uncompromising stand as a type of holy war, and are willing to use any means necessary to achieve their desires. To them the only true victory would be the loss of the federal government, as we know it today. This terrifies me mainly because there are those who still believe that we can bring these individuals around to a rational line of thought. This will never happen they try to show these cult like followers that their uncompromising stand will lead to a destruction of the government in hopes that they will change their ways. Hoping that it will lead the group to give up some ground to save the nation. But what they are missing is that the loss of and failure of the federal government does not scare them. It is in fact what they came to Washington to achieve. It is in my opinion the same as a cult following. There is no way to reason with this type of mindset. When they begin with the concept that there is one way, only one way to resolve any problem is their perception of the world then they will never move. Reason becomes useless; it’s like trying to talk a suicide bomber out of performing his mission. There is an ingrained deep fanatical belief system that cannot be changed. That is why I am more afraid of this new form of thought infesting our government than the airplanes that brought down the towers. The damage done by the planes on 9/11 will pale in comparison to the damage that will occur of these men succeed in their mission.

Life so far!

Well after two trips to the ER I finally convinced some people that I need to have this surgery pretty quick. So I feel better now. I also have been given oxygen 24/7. This has made a great deal of difference. I have felt a lot stronger and have more energy these last few days. I should know in the next few days the date and information on my surgery. I am still very scared but not as bad as before. Now that this other sickness is gone I don't feel as hopeless.

Insomnia part two more pissed.

Insomnia, you fucking bitch. You are a cruel and uncaring creature. Why do you stay with me when all the others have left? What do you see in me except for failure? Is that the attraction? Please just leave me to fight this on my own. It seems no matter what drugs they give me to make you go away you don’t listen. Does that give you the strength you desire? Does that make you feel good? All I want to say is Fuck you Bitch!!! -Johnny V,

May 9, 2012

First of all happy 63rd birthday to the greatest singer songwriter in the world, Billy Joel. Secondly finally had my long awaited appointment with the specialist in Denver. Within a month's time they will be doing a procedure called "Alcohol Septal Ablation" What basically happens here is they insert a cath into my artery then they will inject ethanol alcohol into the artery that supplies blood to the thickened heart muscle. The alcohol causes a "good" (their words not mine) heart attack which shrinks the thickened septal heart muscle. They say when this septal muscle is smaller it will no longer block the flow of blood to the body. As for the risks they say sometimes the heart attack causes a chance in the heart's rhythm and then they need to install a pace maker. But will only be in hospital for a few days so at least its not too bad. But anyway that is what I have to look forward to in my near future. Thanks for listening to me complain. -Johnny V.

Release

He wears his regret as a ragged shroud.

His dreams abandoned him long ago.

Departed on the wings of his youthful desires.

Now the comfort of his days like a stone upon his soul.

He prays for death, begs for release.

But his cowardice wins out every time.

-Johnny V.

May 4, 2012

This day had to be one of the worst for me since that day I all most passed out and had to be rushed to the ER. The heat just really drained me. I felt super dizzy and had absolutely no strength at all. Felt like I couldn't even stand up. I was so weak and scared about how I felt. I had not been that worried since this thing started. It was a very spooky feeling. I was nervous to drive and felt like I was just sort of floating. Like I was not really where I was at all but just gliding along. I didn't know what to do. I came home and tried to sleep but the house was so very hot I couldn't sleep. I just got worse and more scared. -Johnny V.

May 3, 2012

Physically today was a better day. My wife is much better. She is finally treating her back issue with stronger meds and seems on the track to full recovery. As for me I felt good today. But I am still having dizzy spells quit a bit. I am getting more and more nervous as the consultation approaches. I am scared that the doctor will tell me there is nothing they can do and that I am just doomed. Or that they want to do the surgery. There are a few different things they can do. All of them dangerous and scary. But at least I will know something one way or the other. This not knowing and constant living day by day is hard. I go along like its okay then have a spell and I am down for like two hours. It is not fair.

Seep

Her control over me out numbers my understanding.

She calls me from the darkness. Her mystic flesh seduces me.

Like an errant youth I turn my gaze. But her beauty has seeped into my soul.

Wrapped in the false safety of my bed clothes.

Eyes wide as I look past the abyss.

-Johnny V.