Monday, December 24, 2012

My Love

Rejected by Heaven my soul wanders thru time.

Searching for that which it can never. possess.

My desire for love is matched only by my ability to destroy it

My. unease about letting go often damages what I mean to keep safe.

The stains and scares upon my heart  cut deeper the second time.

My heart blinds me to the writing on the cold walls.

Like a ship without a sail, the wind no longer my friend.

I seek refuge but none is visible.

My love is carried from wave to wave.

Coming ashore in places unfathomed.

-Johnny V.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Blood

The walls of my lonely soul are stained with the blood of the innocent.

The scarlet streaks cry out against the crisp white walls.

My fear grows as the silence erupts.
I cry out but my voice is haulted.

I remain in this silent prison.

Although motionless, I feel the walls creeping closer.

She looks down on me and is pleasures by my torment and fear.
Her long fingernails scratch at my heart.

But she is careful to spill no blood.
Her violence is her tenderness.

Her hatred is her charm.

Her love the weapon, her beauty the ammunition.

-Johnny V.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Soulful

I present my charred and scarred soul to the man. 

He tells me it is far too damaged to purchase. I plead that it may still hold hope for another more worthy. 

He brushes me aside. I protest, that so much of the damage is at his own hand. 

He laughs and says, "So it has been since the dawn of time." As I desend Heaven's stairs, I curse my creator for his weakness.

-Johnny V.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Where is the real GOP?

For some time now I have been watching the Republican party of Goldwater slowly destroying itself from within. It has been infested with a hateful and angry radical group hiding under the umbrella of small government. They call themselves the Tea party.

The interesting thing to me is that this group did not even exist during Bush and his out of control spending, two wars, the patriot act etc. But two months after a black man was put in the white house suddenly the were upset. Suddenly spending was out of control, the constitution was being ignored. Needless to say the patriot act is one of the worst violations of the constitution ever created.

But we were told this black man who might not even be American would make the USA into a socialist nation. All this of course less than 100 days into his term. So it makes me wonder the true motives of this so called "grass roots" movement. We learned later on that the tea party was deeply financed by the Koch brothers and other billionaire business men. Now I am seeing these extremists take over the party. The problem is that they represent a very small part of the population. They just happen to scream the loudest. The hate and anger they have makes them sound larger and stronger than they are. I honestly believe that if the party leaders do not stand up for real conservatist values the GOP will be the Whig party of the 21st century. -Johnny V.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Election

I have been voting since 1986. Every single election. And I have never been this afraid of a possible outcome. Since the election and swearing in of Obama there has been a dangerous and scary increase in radical right-wing ideas. Although they will deny it the creation and funding of the tea party began with Obama's election. This was apparent when they began to creep out April 2009. The president had been in office for two months and was already being touted as spending more money than any president. So much hatred out there toward Obama. Which is okay haters will hate. That's what they do. What frightens me so much is the right wing and religious views that seem to be taking over the GOP party and shifting the party so far to the right that Goldwater is turning over in his grave. And he would be called a liberal today. This idea that freedom and liberty mean freedom from government. That anything and everything the government does is in and of itself evil. The concept that the federal government needs to be eliminated. Or made so small that killing it would be as easy as a stroke of the pen. The push of the movement to revoke and take back the right that so many have fought and died for in the history of our nation. The right to vote, to marry, to choose, to be considered a citizen simply by birth. All these are in danger. The next president will put one to three judges on the SCOTUS this is something that will live longer than the next election. They would be making decisions that will last into the next decade. Secondly is the war monger mentality of this far right group. The idea that we as a nation have to god given right to force our way of life on the rest of the world because there are resources we want. The desire to build up the military industrial complex is not cheap. The war in Iraq had more government contractors and "black ops" type companies than in anytime in our nations history. These are companies and people accountable to nobody. This thinking also wants to remove any and all government regulations. The idea that so many giant multi-million dollar companies will act with impunity is a very disturbing concept. This is why my heart and my head are struggling with the possible result of the election of 2012. I hope that the voters will remember this frightening possible outcome and vote for a country that takes care of its most needy citizens. Thank you for listening. -Johnny V.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Tallons

She holds me tightly in her tallons.
Pecking, pecking at my unhealthy, unhealed wounds.
She takes her fill leaving me in the burning sun.
Never far away, she watches and waits.
As I regain my strength, and stand upon my wobbly legs.
She swoops down for a fresh feast.

-Johnny V.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

My fight for what's right

So often I drive by the Planned Parenthood and see the religious nuts protesting. They spread their lies about what PP does. I kept saying someone should stand up for PP and let those driving by know the truth. Then I thought stop waiting for someone else. So I created a facebook event and decided it was time to take a stand. There were 8 others who joined me. It was great. We got there about 11. The religious nuts showed up around noon. They were shy at first cause there were only two. But once their numbers grew they started coming closer to where we were and yelling things to us. I was unaware that abortion caused cancer. Or that the scientist were trying to capture the "fat gene" and they were killing babies to collect it and use it against the country. Not sure how or what would be done. But that is what we were told. The most interaction I had was with a gentleman with a thick white beard. He had a dog and a huge roped rosary. It was giant, not sure why it had to be so large. My guess is that he wanted people to know that he had it. He walked by us and I heard him praying the rosary. So being a Catholic I joined him in praying and walked along with him. I thought is was the polite thing to do. He turned on me and yelled that if I had truly read my bible I would follow him. It was a very interesting day. But I felt like I was making a difference for once. Thanks to all those who joined me. -Johnny V.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I'm back again.

Things seem to be getting better. Still not able to get back to full time work. Sorta worried but we will see how life goes. Still waiting to hear about my temp disability. At least to help us a little.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Where the fuck have I been?

Well I have been and still am healing. It's been a very long and difficult road. But I am feeling better and can feel my strength returning to normal. I will be back here very soon posting shit nobody will read. Love you all. -Johnny V.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I'm back

Well hello there to all. It has been a while since your least favorite Blogger has written. I have been healing. I had open heart surgery on July 23rd. At the same time had a pacemaker and defibrilator installed. I spent 8 days in the hospital. I am about 1/2 way thru 6 weeks of recovery and restrictions. I am going crazy since I cannot drive or do too many normal tasks. I am hoping I will be released to full duty on 9/4/12. But I honestly doubt it. I am guessing I will be given two more weeks to recover. I will be back soon with updates and poems. Thanks for not reading.

-Johnny V.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Home

The unholy wretchedness nearly consumed him.

He is left to lick his vile wounds.
He calls out to his loved ones.

For the first time he can hear their replies.

They cradle him to their bussom.

The home hearth wafts its warmth to all inside.

He feels God’s gentle touch, so long lost.

He is finally home and peaceful sleep is his at last.

-Johnny V.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Life situation.

Sometimes when a man of my age 44 reaches a certain point in his life he has to make tough choices. After this last year with all the health issues and surgeries I have come I think as close to actual death as I can. So sitting in hospital thinking about my life I decided about certain things. I have concluded that life is far too precious to worry so deeply about those unwilling or unable to accept me for who I am. I am a deeply lucky man I have a beautiful, loving wife who for whatever reason loves my deeply. I have strong compassionate and intelligent children. I have a dedicated and loving broad family that I know I can always count on. So to all out there who seem to have a problem with who I am or certain things about me. I have one thing to say. "FUCK THE HELL OFF!"

-Johnny V.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Checking in.

Just checked in now. Waiting for them to call me back to get started. Scared fucking shitless. But I know I'm in good hands. Hopefully I will post later.

-Johnny V.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Sunday

Sitting here watching tv with my daughter. Having fun but very worried about tomorrow's surgery. I'm fucking scared shitless. I don't want to go through with it.

-Johnny V.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Shitty day so far

Morning was wonderful. Had great coffee and conversation. Then just long and rough day. Picking up wife from work then nap. Not feeling too great today. Not very happy. Don't want to have this operation. Very nervous and scared. Worried something will go wrong.

-Johnny V.

Ps. Life next time I have a fucking stupid idea slap me.

Friday, July 20, 2012

A Dog's Life

I brought home our dog today. It was super sad to see her all cut up. It broke my heart. I always tease her about being a stupid dog. Now I feel bad. She just is in a lot of pain. Poor little thing.

-Johnny V.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Pain

I wear my pain like an old familiar garment.

Each tear, each mark has its own story.

The cold cuts through more quickly today. But I refuse to let it go.

I wrap it around me tighter still. Hoping it will protect my bare soul.

But alas it has long outlived its duty.

-Johnny V.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

New update on my birthday.

Well I can easily say that my 40th birthday was one of if not the best in my life. But my 44th could be one of the worst. I spent the day in Denver getting pre-operative information about my surgery scheduled for the 23rd. It only made me more worried and more concerned about what is going to happen to me. I am not looking forward to the long and restrictive recovery time. Or worse yet the few first few days out of surgery. It will be painful and very restrictive. And I being a control freak hate that feeling more than anything else. So I am just more fearful that something will go wrong and mess me up even more or even end me. Just not a happy day. Secondly our family dog, my daughter's dog got violently attacked today and almost died. My son was home alone and thankfully a dear friend of mine was able to take him and the dog to the vet. She was deeply cut and hurt badly. But doctor thinks she will be okay. But is looking at a long recovery and possible a second surgery to help repair her. Needless to say my baby girl is a total wreck. Also I have gotten myself into a bind. I have a situation on Friday I am not sure I want to deal with. But I can't avoid it. No matter how easy it would be to stop. I just can't do it. I want it too badly. But I am so afraid that it may hurt me so very very deep. I am not sure I can emotionally handle it. I feel like I am setting myself up for a terrible fall. But I just can't stay away. I feel like a moth at the flame. Lastly I have also had some feelings that I don't think I should be having. I have tried to hide them for a long time. I have fought them for a long while. But lately they have come out in full force and I am not sure what will come of them. I am very worried. It is not a happy time for the old Vster!! -Johnny V.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Life

Boy oh boy. Life offers that she may deny. For what joy is there in taking away something you don't want or have never known. Just as fucking life was turning around and things were looking on the up and up. Life kicks you right in the fucking balls. But can't say I am surprised. I mean hell it wouldn't be my life if it was good for any length of time. I don't know why I just don't learn. I should have sucker tattooed on my fucking forehead. I fall for it every single time. Just as the road gets smooth life puts a giant pothole in the middle. And you have not choice but to hit it head on. Fucking so sick of this fucking shit. -Johnny V.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Just feeling good.

I am finally feeling good about myself today. I hit a point in my life where I made a choice not to be used anymore. I am still the warm hearted guy. But too often I allow myself to get sucked into things because I am a softy. And it just has to stop. I have to understand that I can stand up for myself and for what is right and if somebody doesn't like what I have to say then that is their problem not mine. I have to protect myself and my heart. I so often wear it on my sleeve. I often allow the problems of others to become my own. I try so hard to help them and solve their problems that my own seem to suffer. And that is unfair to me and to my family. This will not happen anymore. I will always be here to help my friends and loved ones. I will do all that I can to help out. That will never change but I will no longer put their needs above my own needs and feelings. I have done that in the past and it has caused me to do things I didn't like. It caused me to act in ways I didn't like. I can't have that happen again. Not for my personal sanity, not for my family's sake, and especially for my health. So I am turning over a new leaf and will not let this happen again. I feel good!!! -Johnny V.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Great Silence directed by Sergio Corbucci

This was a brilliant film. So different than any western I have ever seen. I am a big fan of Sergio Leone's films and had this film recommended to me because of that. This film was amazing. The performances although dubbed were profound and powerful to watch.The story line was wonderful. I am not one who likes talking about a film being a statement about war or power etc. I just like the film as a piece of art. This one is exactly that. I have studied film and believe that one way to tell a great film is to watch it with the sound off and if you can follow it still its done well. This is exactly that type of film. I watched it once and then right after it was done muted it and watched it a second time. The characters were so well written and directed that you could relate to each of them. Even to the brutal Loco. The camera work also pulled you into the story. The use of shaky hand held cameras added to the effect of certain scenes. Also the snow which was one of the things making it so unique. It became so powerful that it took on a life of its own and became a character in the film. A character that battled each of the others and effected them all in different ways. As mentioned in the liner notes and in other reviews it is a very violent film but a very different violence than most of us are used to. Especially here in the USA. This is in all ways one of the most amazing films I have ever seen. -Johnny V.

July 11, 2012

Well been feeling cruddy but I have been getting lots of writing done. I feel good when I write. I have not had any poems in a few days. But have been editing and adding to my book. I have a few people reading it for me. And have gotten back some nice ideas.

On the heartache side I'm doing a little better. Time as they say heals all. I didn't think the pain would ever stop. It's still there but its not as bad. In the last two weeks I have seen things as they really are, and its not pretty.

As for the physical I have been getting worse. I'm more tired and the breathing is more difficult. The dizzy spells are getting harder. Last week I even fell over and hurt my leg. But I'm trying to rest. Just waiting for the surgery and see how things go.

-Johnny V.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Billy Joel

Been listening to a lot of Billy lately. I mean I always have him somewhere close. But have just been really doing some deeper listening. Thinking about how different songs are appealing to me at this stage in my life than did sometime ago. How certain songs have very different meanings to me than before. One big one is "An Angry Young Man." I used to love this song (still do just in a different way) for its teen angst and power. But now I listen to it thinking this guy needs to slow down. He needs to think before he acts. Regrets are the most destructive force in the world. Then there is "Vienna" Saw it one way when I was younger but now it seems to be much more of a powerful song to me. Just something over all not just Billy Joel music that I have been thinking about. Guess its partly because my 44th birthday is coming up in a few weeks. OUCH!! -Johnny V.

Good mornin star shine.

Hello ladies and gentlemen. It's amazing how a nights sleep can change one's perspective. Even if its only 4 hours. Feeling better this morning. Looking to do some more writing today. Then maybe go swimming. I have not been in a very long time. My doctor said it is good for my jacked up heart. Then steak for dinner.......

-Johnny V.

Drive in

I had a very nice evening with a dear friend at the drive in theater. It was fun. Have not been to a drive in since forever. Saw the new spider-man, it was okay. But I did like the new guy. He was funny and cool. Not like Toby he is just a crying pussy. But the really cool movie was Men in Black III. It was so neat. I really enjoyed how it tied in the past. Won't spoil anything except to say bring tissue. I would like to deeply thank that dear friend. Spent lunch with her too. And she let me cry on her shoulder. I got some very terrible news today. And since my family is in Denver I am home alone this weekend. There was one thing I did not want and that was to be home alone. I knew I would just brood and wallow in self pity. And when I do that to the degree I knew I'd be at with this news it never turns out good. The last time I was this depressed. So very very long ago. I ended up in the ER getting my stomach pumped and forced to stay there for three days. Not a happy time in my life. So I am thankful for this friend for taking time out of her busy day to be my sounding board and letting me be around. It truly could have saved my life. Well except for the fact that there are no more fucking sleeping pills left in the goddamn house. Love you all even those who don't read my shit. -Johnny V.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Torn

The once sealed scars upon my heart have broken open again.

Although self inflicted, they are deeper still.

The thick scarlet liquid flows as it mocks my soul.

The endless stream of tears drain the tenderness from my spirit.

Nothing will stop the flow, for its source is far too deep.

Escape is not an option, so I wait for life to cease and hope the pain ends.
-Johnny V.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Life so far

Well not much has changed in my life. Other than my body is weaker. I am even more fatigued and tired each day. I have more of a struggle to breath. So I can do even less. It is frustrating and scary. But knowing it will be better soon and clutching to my family and friends helps. As for other parts of my life well not so great. Still in a great deal of pain over certain situations. And frustrated that I am still so hurt. I should just be able to move on and get on with my life. But letting go has always been very hard for me. And this is not getting easier. I find that each day that passes I am thinking about it less and less. Which I guess is good. But still I just want the hurt to go away. -Johnny V.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Hunger

The sharp thistles are hidden amongst the petals.
But her tender, bare soles touch only the flowers.
For she has surpassed such human frailty.
Her beauty is angelic but her soul, black as pitch.
She spies her willing yet unsuspecting host.
She clothes her nakedness in his rich desire.
His wish to please her is matched only by his need to possess her.
His strength vanishes as his lust grows.
When she has her fill, his tasteless remains are tossed to her howling canine.

-Johnny V.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

She Enters my dreams

My frightened soul is the devil’s playground.

His bitter revenge hides amongst the scars of my heart.

He brings her to me like a temptation just out of reach.

My breath escapes like so many vanquished dreams.

Her brittle fingertips caress my naked dreams.

I am helpless to her touch.

Her breath like roses in spring has conquered my will.

But her brutal transformation is soon to come.

-Johnny V.

Blue funk!

Not sure why. I am in a serious blue funk lately. It's not getting any better. I think its a mix of things. My father's birthday is on Sunday. I'm not looking forward to it. It's going to be exceptionally difficult. Some things in my life are just not going the way I'd like them to. Including my health. Ever since the failed procedure, I've felt worse. I'm just simply not a happy camper.

-Johnny V.

Monday, June 25, 2012

I won

I don't believe it. I entered a poetry contest at a local coffee shop. Well I actually won it. I am shocked. I feel so great. I have liked writing poetry it has helped with so much of my pain. I am happy about this. I get to read it in a few days at this same place at their monthly poetry night. I am deeply moved. I have only won awards for directing plays. That is something I have done for a long time and I know I'm good at. But this is new.

-Johnny V.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

The Sea

Her vast, soft, wet belly beckons me, tempts me, seduces me. Her forgiveness is dashed upon the silent rocks. Her deepest desires hidden for a thousand million years. She masks her cruel, violent, vengeful nature with a calm blue luster. The countless lost souls are her's to keep. That selfish siren, the sea. -Johnny V.

She knows

Once more into the fray she tells me. She knows I won't bear it.

She steals what little dignity I have collected. And tosses it aside at her pleasure.

I beg her to stop but she continues at will, crushing my heart in her wake.

She calls for her demon followers they appear from the darkness.

As always they feed off my weakened and bitter soul.

-Johnny V.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

My heart!

Well as we know the heart can have a great deal of effect on our lives. Both in reality and in metaphor. Well I am dealing with both. Not sure how I feel about either one. Part of me was hoping that when they poured the alcohol on my heart it would kill the part that was hurting so much. And ironically they didn't do it. And the hurt has changed a little. Oh well such is life. I will just have to wait and see what happens with the knife in July. Later I will post what exactly they will be doing. Complete with picture from the surgeon. Well one he drew on the white board in my room not real life one. But those were pretty cool too. As I said I was awake though the whole thing and saw most of what they were doing on screen. It was strange and cool all at the same time. Not as creepy as my cornea transplant. That was uber creepy. This time was really rough on my daughter. She insisted on coming up to Denver with us. She wanted to be there. But when she saw me hooked up to IV and other stuff she kinda lost it. Wife said she cried on way to my mother in law's house. So we are not sure if she will be there next time till I am in regular room and minus tubes and stuff like that.

The first day back

At home feeling very crappy. Big breathing trouble. Even with just few moments off the oxygen. Gonna try taking a nap see if that works. Got a lot of different things on my horizon. Not sure what to expect from them. Some were expected some not. Some hoped for some not. Worried that some may end badly. Such is life.

-Johnny V.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Heart update

Well my dear loving friends following the sad pathetic cycle that is my life. Sorry to disappoint you but I am alive. Mainly because, as you all may know the procedure did not go well. Actually to be honest it didn’t “go” period. After getting the catheter in place and looking at the mapping of the veins and arteries surrounding and feeding the heart they felt it was much too dangerous and risky to use the alcohol. It was too complicated to do it without causing a very severe and large heart attack. So they did not go through with it. Instead they as was expected if this didn’t work referred me to the actual heart surgeon and will be forced to perform open-heart surgery. At which time they will be able to see the enlarged muscle and cut it away without damaging the rest of the heart. This however will be much more dangerous and invasive for me. My hospital stay will be around 5-7 days and my recovery around 2 months. Also in addition to my already unsightly body I will be adding a large chest scar. How fun is that? I thank you all for your love and prayers. I know it is asking a lot but please keep praying for me, as I will need much more help. Again I love you all and I know that I could never get by without your support, friendship, and toe wiggles.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

What's happened

Well they couldn't do the alcohol thing. They got in there and realized it was too risky and dangerous. So they will have to do the full open heart thing in late July. I'm very worried and nervous. I am just so tired of this.

-Johnny V.

WOW!

How is it that some people can be so cruel? I just dont understand.

Getting ready

On the way to hospital. Scared as Hell.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

June 19, 2012

Well tomorrow afternoon we go to Denver. We will stay on hotel near the hospital since we have to be there are six thirty. The actual surgery will began around nine I guess. It should take about two hours. Then be in ICU for a few hours till they feel I am okay. Then to regular room. I hope to go home Friday. But not sure. So I am betting on Saturday. So if its Friday I can be surprised. I am getting very scared as it draws closer. I mean it seems sometimes like its easy. But fuck man they are going to be messing with my heart. That could go really wrong and Im worried. But I will just have to go face it and see what happens. Thanks for all the love and support and for those of you that read this thank you. And a big thanks to Kristine for actually making a comment or two. -Johnny V.

Coffee

Had coffee with dear friend this morning. Ran to library. But not breathing good today at all. Going to be a very bad day. Going home to chill.

-Johnny V.

Monday, June 18, 2012

The Guardians

The guardians at the gate know my name. But still won’t let me cross. I don’t belong, they preach. I’m not wanted anywhere. The devil rises up heavy with gold and offers me a bed. I tell him my soul is not for sale. But he knows best. After all it is his demons that have created this mess. -Johnny V.

June 18, 2012

Today was a pretty shitty day. Had some things to take care of to get the car ready for our trip up to Denver. And struggled with the heat and breathing badly. Also had some pretty bad dizzy spells. I was just really feeling bad all around. Insomnia hit me again last night and was torturing me pretty bad. But I pulled through it okay. As anyone who read the blog last night could tell I went from a pretty deep dark scary place to being okay. But its still pretty grim inside my soul. I am just working at hiding it better. The pain is still pretty bad. But I am working on it day by day. I just want to ask those who do read this blog to please, oh please now and then add a comment to something you read. Even if it pisses you off and you want to say John you are a dick. Just so that I know it is at least being read and having some type of effect on people. -Johnny V.

New app.

Okay so I downloaded a new app for my phone which allows me to blog quicker and easier. Which means even more stupid stuff nobody wants to read. Sweet....

-Johnny V.

Car

Sitting in dealership waiting for car to be serviced. Getting ready for Denver trip. Feeling really shitty today both physically and emotionally. But it will pass.

Epiphany

Okay I've been thinking. I know I know it is a rare thing. Anyway, I have been so anguished over trying to change the minds of other people. Relying on them to make me happy. I can't do that. I can't do it to my wife, my kids, my friends, or myself.

I've been feeling guilty about some of what I have posted on FB or written on my blog. Then I realized its MY blog. I feel better when I write. It helps me work out my feelings, my fears, my pain. Some people, scream, some exercise, some break things, some drink, I write. That's what I do. It can be my silly blog, my comedy, my poems, my book whatever. But they are my feelings. And nobody has a right to judge my feelings.

If I start quoting facts and my facts are wrong the call me the fuck out on my facts. But only god and I can judge my feelings, my heart, or my soul. I'm proud of my poems, they help me deal with the demons I carry. I'm proud of my book. I think its pretty good. I'm even proud of this silly little blog. So I will continue to write about my feelings. They belong to me. Thank you all for your time we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

-Johnny V.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Demons

The blackness is stronger than my will.

The demons are laughing for they know my weakness.

They have had me here before.

This is where they taunt my soul.

I listen for something beyond their howls but only silence, only rejection.

-Johnny V.

Even Billy Joel doesn't work.

Holly shit I know things are bad when Billy Joel won't even help. I'm so sick of this fucking feeling. I just want the pain to fucking end. I don't know how to make it stop. I am in a mind set I have not been in for a very very long time. And it scares me. I can't escape it. I don't like this place. It is dark and cold. I know it well I have visited it many many times. But I have always escaped. A few times not as easily as others. Some landed me in places I didn't like either. I won't let it take me there this time. I will get out. I can't crumble under the weight of the darkness again. Not now. I found myself looking in the medicine cabinet looking at the bottle of sleeping pills they gave to my wife a while back. I guess god was watching out for me. There were only fucking two left. So I guess that is his way of telling me the demons wont get me this time. I will just have to endure them till they decide to go away. -Johnny v.

Fucked up again.

I can't help it. I just fuck up everything. I try to make it better but just make it worse. I don't know when to stop. I can't let go. It's always been my problem. I don't know why. No wonder I destroy every good thing in my life. I am sorry to those I hurt.

-Johnny V.

Saw an old friend.

Had a great coffee with my old school friend Andy. In high school and college we were the closest. Have not seen him in ages. Gosh how fun. We had a wonderful time. It was awesome. Thanks buddy!!

-Johnny V.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

June 16 2012

So many different emotions running through me today. I am first missing my father deeply. We lost him in 2009 and it still hurts like it was yesterday. Tomorrow is going to be hard for all. Next I am excited to spend the day with my family for father's day. Usually we go up to San Isabel and go fishing. But this year with funds depleted and my condition not going to happen. So we will just stay home and be silly together. I am looking forward to the gifts. The kids saved their own money and bought me something. I don't even care what it is. I am just glad. Because they are both so happy and they just can't wait to give them to me tomorrow. I am also worried and scared about my surgery coming up on Thursday. I am worried that something may go wrong. Or that they won't be able to get to the artery and will not be able to do the procedure at all. I am worried that even if they do it nothing with change and I will just keep getting worse. I am worried how it is affecting my wife and kids. And the rest of my family. I know they are scared too but putting on a strong face for me. I love them all for that. And lastly my heart aches still for the loss of the friendship I ruined. I know that so much of what I did was stupid and wrong. But I didn't mean for any of it to happen. But what is also upsetting is that so many of the things she got angry at me for are the same things she was doing or had done. But either she didn't see them as the same or else she was just bothered by my doing them. I don't know which. And since we will likely never speak again I will never know. That hurts. I don't know that anybody ever reads these but I found out that at least one person did. But since I never see any comments on my posts I assume nobody sees them. I always write my poetry hoping someone will see it and comment on them. I am very proud of my work. I think I am pretty good. But sometimes I think that someone commenting on my painful and angry posts might help me to heal a little better. At least to know that somebody can understand or relate to what I am going through. Even if they don't agree with me. -Johnny V.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Temptress

The temptress leaves her memory like scars upon my soul.
Each escape is a fruitless branch on a winter's bone.
The emptiness of the loss leaves my heart barren and shameless.
My knees are bloodied, but still I beg.
Yet my pleas fall upon a stone heart.
-Johnny V.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

June 13, 2012

Having to drink gross stuff to prepare for my procedure tomorrow. It's gross and I'm tired of being sick. I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I am also deeply scared about my surgery. Next week. What if my heart stops and they can't get it started again? I can't focus on anything. My mind is moving from tomorrow to surgery to the valuable friendship I ruined to my wife, kids, and family. I can't stand it anymore. -Johnny V.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I'm working on getting better.

To all my sweet and wonderful Facebook friends who have been watching and following my current physical and emotional roller coaster I have to tell you something. First I thank you deeply for your love and support on both matters. Secondly let me assure you I will be okay. Physically I am feeling better. I am on oxygen 24/7 now. I was supposed to be but wasn’t doing so cause it was pissing me off. But I am taking better care of myself now. Lastly as for the emotional, I am still hurting deeply and will for quite a while longer. But I have a wonderful family and amazing friends all of who help me. I am just going to have to feel like this till I get it worked out, and just don't feel like this anymore. So for a little while you may have to see some of my stupid crybaby posts about my feelings. But it will hurt less and less each day with the help of my family, friends, and God. Thank you again for your love and support. And for those very few who have also been following my blog same thing said here applies there too. I promise I am going to be okay just need time and people to listen to me cry now and then thanks.

Monday, June 11, 2012

June 12, 2012

Well health was shitty today. Took another downward spin. Feeling very weak and light headed again. So sick of this. I just want it to be over. No matter how. I just want it done. But even worse I still can't let go of this pain. I can't just drop the matter and move on with my life. I hate this about myself. I wish I could just go forward with my life. I can't bring myself to erase the texts messages saved in my phone. Or the IM messages in FB. And there are tons of them. Or delete her number from my phone. Yet I am sure she has done all these with my information. I don't know why I cant do this. It just makes everything worse. I want it all to be over. I still want her friendship even now after all this time and pain. But I know her and I doubt it will ever happen. So I just slowly get sadder and sadder. -Johnny V.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Saturday June 9th

Well today was a horrible day. I felt like crap. I didn't sleep well and got up way too early. Plus it was a day I was looking forward to seeing somebody but of course it didn't happen because I fuck things up on a regular basis. I just wish I could keep my stupid mouth shut. I am so sick of losing people because I am so stupid. I don't understand why I can't learn. It happens all the time. I am again having trouble breathing and getting fatigued all over again. I just can't seem to win this battle either physically or emotionally. I don't know if I can make it anymore. -Johnny V.

Friday, June 8, 2012

New update.

Well went to the doctor today. It appears I have very low red blood cell count, and extremely low iron. Doctor if very worried. Wants to check to make sure I am not bleeding internally someplace. Thinking it could be an ulcer or something minor like that. But not sure. This is just one more fucking thing I have to deal with. I am so done with this. FUCK!! -Johnny V.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Quick hello

I am going to enter a poetry contest. With all this pain and shit I have been going through it has had me writing like a fool.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Make it stop

I can't take this any more. I am in constant hurt. Everything reminds me of it. Every place I look, anything I see. I can't shake it. I have small pockets of time with the family having fun where I forget. But then as it winds down there is the pain again. I just want to scream at the sky sometime. I just want to yell at God and ask him, "why me?" Why is it always me? Don't I ever get what I want? Why do I fuck everything up? I am so sick of things not working out for me. Maybe if this surgery goes wrong and I don't wake up, it will just be for the best. Then I can't screw up people's lives anymore. Including my family. I just can't take it anymore. Please somebody make it stop! -Johnny V,

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Trust

I have placed my trust in those who would betray me.

Their pleasure in my pain would be grander than their apathy.

But hence tis all I have left.

The ache is beyond this body's limits.

A solution is impossible in its simplicity.

Yet no strength to perform this task remains.

I hold fast to the dust that is left.

The demons of my soul are shouting down the better angels in my brain.

-Johnny V.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Lost my friend

Today was a very powerfully sad day. I know why but don't want to admit it to myself. I think I have lost a good and tender friend. But Im not sure. We have had a rough road lately. I am unsure how deep her anger is with me. But I am afraid to ask. I fear that she will tell me she is done with me as a friend and I don't think I can really bear that right now. Or ever as a matter of fact. I know that her life is in a tailspin right now. She is very busy. But still she has not really talked to me in several days and we usually chat all the time. I am crazy how this is affecting me. It is stressing me out beyond belief. As with most things I am obsessing about it. I just don't know if she is avoiding me for a reason or is just too busy. But even when she is busy she still manages a hello text or message here or there. I just don't know what to do. I am so sick of this ache in my heart. -Johnny V.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Struggling

I am feeling better now that I know the date for the surgery is set. I know that the doctors like to call it a procedure but I still think its surgery. Its my fucking heart they will be playing with. But I am struggling with another problem. My family has gone through such rough years lately since my father's passing. It has just been very rough. Job loss and money problems. And now with this surgery and the three ER visits it is just piling up more and more. I am feeling so super stressed. I am just going crazy. I am praying daily that something will work out but right now nothing. I have applied for disability but so far no word. I just hate it..... -Johnny V.

Ayn Rand

I had just finished watching what can in my mind only be called propaganda biography of Ayn Rand. I would later discover that the institute supporting her philosophy and her cause produced it. And although the program was geared to put a very positive light on her life and writings, there was still a wealth of information. I disliked the production for it’s bias but did learn quite a bit. It also sparked further study on my part and anything that inspires one to gain more knowledge can never be wholly bad. Granted she was a brilliant and fascinating woman. The more I study and read of and about her I become more interested. I also see that as with Hitler’s reading of Nietzsche her philosophy has been bastardized and abused by many. It has been twisted to justify their own personal agenda. I still disagree deeply with objectivism as a philosophy; I see it as an intellectualized attempt to justify relativism. To justify Egoism, in a sense I like to think of it as Humanism without a soul. While praising and glorifying the human spirit and the rational mind Objectivism neglects the second part of what makes us human, our connection to and dependence on each other. In fact it rages against that part of our existence at every turn. However in today’s world our dependence on others and the whole has never been more important. That is what has always concerned me about any philosophy that attempts to justify a reliance on perception alone, as its basis. To argue that perception can be subjective, but also rational to me seems contradictory and incompatible. It defies logic, it is logically impossible for two separate and opposite perceptions to both be true. Ayn Rand’s ideas came from her situation and her time. Not sure that her ideas would have been the same or as strong if she had been living in London at the same time in history. The industrial revolution in certain parts of the world and then the brutal political revolution in her nations deeply affected her thinking. Her ideal man and her ultimate hero John Galt could have only come about during that time in history. Bringing her memories of the devastation of Russia with her to the glory and freedom she found in America was the perfect spark to start the raging fire that she was. When man was changing how he lived and how he defined himself. It was a time when man could change his world. When man could make life better for himself. Ayn came to this nation just as it was truly beginning to define itself. We had very strong and powerful men who made their mark on history and in doing so made this country great. There is no denying that at all. This was a time in history when this could happen. Not sure if it could have happened any other time in our country’s history. But we have passed that point in our history. We have built this nation into the most powerful country on the planet. But now we must maintain it. That cannot happen with the same wild west lassie fair abandon we had at that time. Even then some saw the need to pull back on the reins to protect the nation from ruin. It is the reason our President Teddy Roosevelt fought so hard to prevent the brutal results of unchecked greed from crushing the common man. The frightening thing today is that the greed of people like Rockefeller, Ford, Hughes, and others like Rand’s hero John Galt has gone uncheck for far too long. It has gone too far and I fear there may not be a way to save the country as we did before. Also the influx of those who hold the earlier mentioned bastardized ideals of Rand’s philosophy have become a strong force in our current government. There are a vast number of those in our government today who want to see a complete destruction of the federal power. Not just a simple limitation of the federal government but a complete starvation of the beast so to speak and a stronger control to the individual states. Those who believe that compromise is a loss of individual morals and rights have taken hold. To the point where they are no only willing to see the government fail but in fact have that as their end goal. They see this unshaken uncompromising stand as a type of holy war, and are willing to use any means necessary to achieve their desires. To them the only true victory would be the loss of the federal government, as we know it today. This terrifies me mainly because there are those who still believe that we can bring these individuals around to a rational line of thought. This will never happen they try to show these cult like followers that their uncompromising stand will lead to a destruction of the government in hopes that they will change their ways. Hoping that it will lead the group to give up some ground to save the nation. But what they are missing is that the loss of and failure of the federal government does not scare them. It is in fact what they came to Washington to achieve. It is in my opinion the same as a cult following. There is no way to reason with this type of mindset. When they begin with the concept that there is one way, only one way to resolve any problem is their perception of the world then they will never move. Reason becomes useless; it’s like trying to talk a suicide bomber out of performing his mission. There is an ingrained deep fanatical belief system that cannot be changed. That is why I am more afraid of this new form of thought infesting our government than the airplanes that brought down the towers. The damage done by the planes on 9/11 will pale in comparison to the damage that will occur of these men succeed in their mission.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Life so far!

Well after two trips to the ER I finally convinced some people that I need to have this surgery pretty quick. So I feel better now. I also have been given oxygen 24/7. This has made a great deal of difference. I have felt a lot stronger and have more energy these last few days. I should know in the next few days the date and information on my surgery. I am still very scared but not as bad as before. Now that this other sickness is gone I don't feel as hopeless.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Insomnia part two more pissed.

Insomnia, you fucking bitch. You are a cruel and uncaring creature. Why do you stay with me when all the others have left? What do you see in me except for failure? Is that the attraction? Please just leave me to fight this on my own. It seems no matter what drugs they give me to make you go away you don’t listen. Does that give you the strength you desire? Does that make you feel good? All I want to say is Fuck you Bitch!!! -Johnny V,

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

May 9, 2012

First of all happy 63rd birthday to the greatest singer songwriter in the world, Billy Joel. Secondly finally had my long awaited appointment with the specialist in Denver. Within a month's time they will be doing a procedure called "Alcohol Septal Ablation" What basically happens here is they insert a cath into my artery then they will inject ethanol alcohol into the artery that supplies blood to the thickened heart muscle. The alcohol causes a "good" (their words not mine) heart attack which shrinks the thickened septal heart muscle. They say when this septal muscle is smaller it will no longer block the flow of blood to the body. As for the risks they say sometimes the heart attack causes a chance in the heart's rhythm and then they need to install a pace maker. But will only be in hospital for a few days so at least its not too bad. But anyway that is what I have to look forward to in my near future. Thanks for listening to me complain. -Johnny V.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Release

He wears his regret as a ragged shroud.

His dreams abandoned him long ago.

Departed on the wings of his youthful desires.

Now the comfort of his days like a stone upon his soul.

He prays for death, begs for release.

But his cowardice wins out every time.

-Johnny V.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

May 4, 2012

This day had to be one of the worst for me since that day I all most passed out and had to be rushed to the ER. The heat just really drained me. I felt super dizzy and had absolutely no strength at all. Felt like I couldn't even stand up. I was so weak and scared about how I felt. I had not been that worried since this thing started. It was a very spooky feeling. I was nervous to drive and felt like I was just sort of floating. Like I was not really where I was at all but just gliding along. I didn't know what to do. I came home and tried to sleep but the house was so very hot I couldn't sleep. I just got worse and more scared. -Johnny V.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

May 3, 2012

Physically today was a better day. My wife is much better. She is finally treating her back issue with stronger meds and seems on the track to full recovery. As for me I felt good today. But I am still having dizzy spells quit a bit. I am getting more and more nervous as the consultation approaches. I am scared that the doctor will tell me there is nothing they can do and that I am just doomed. Or that they want to do the surgery. There are a few different things they can do. All of them dangerous and scary. But at least I will know something one way or the other. This not knowing and constant living day by day is hard. I go along like its okay then have a spell and I am down for like two hours. It is not fair.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Seep

Her control over me out numbers my understanding.

She calls me from the darkness. Her mystic flesh seduces me.

Like an errant youth I turn my gaze. But her beauty has seeped into my soul.

Wrapped in the false safety of my bed clothes.

Eyes wide as I look past the abyss.

-Johnny V.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Weekend

Okay so this weekend has been two really good days in a row. It started around 5am taking my wife to the ER. She has a pinched nerve in her back. She is ordered to bed rest for four to five days. I have had to take care of her. It's amazing how quickly I got healthy when she needed me. I'm just praying I don't completely collapse after she's back up on her pretty feet. Still dreading the doctors visit. Feel like they are going to tell me I'm hopeless. I'm also applying for temporary disability. I don't think I will be able to work full time till early next year. I'm scared. -Johnny V.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Fucking sick of this shit.

Not sure how much more of this I can take. I am just tired all the time. Its like no matter how much I rest it doesn't help. I am struggling to breath almost the whole day it seems. I am light headed often. I seem to be moving around in this fog. Not really fully aware of that is happening to me or to those around me. I feel distant from my family. I hate it. Yet despite all this I can't sleep at night. I am dragging all fucking day. Falling asleep on the couch. Then as soon as my head hits the pillow my mind starts racing and I am wide awake. I am unsure how long I can handle this. I don't know what to do.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Her Light

The blackened rose in his chest is at full bloom.

It suckles the life force from its unwilling host.

As his fatigue grows so too his rage.

Betrayed by the very center of his soul.

He seeks reason in his gentle companion.

For it is in her spirit alone that he is complete.

Only her light expels his demons.

-Johnny V.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

My friend Bernice

I had breakfast with an old friend today. It was so much fun. What was so cool is how we just picked right up and started talking. Just like we were hanging out in the lunch room at Central back in the 80's. Like if we never lost a step. I think that says something about friendship. Real friendship. We have all run into someone from our past and said lets get together. And if by some chance you do. Sometimes you find that the whole even is awkward and strange. That what ever you all had in common back then is gone. And that currently you have no interest in talking to this person. But we chatted for almost two hours. And it felt like ten minutes. I am sure we could have continued for another hour easy. It really made my day. I needed that because I have been so down and depressed lately. I thank her for that. And I thank her for wearing flip flops and letting me see her pretty painted toes. I tried to sneak looks every chance I got. Not sure if she caught me. But even if she did she is too nice to say anything. I am a lucky man to have such neat friends. -Johnny V.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Money in Politics

I get so deeply frustrated when having discussions with those people who believe the single solution to our nations problems lie with politicians. Mainly because they are also usually the same people who want the smallest least intrusive government of all. It is the Mr. Smith goes to Washington idea. That if we could just get the right person into office the problems will all fade away. The belief that we all still live in that Little House on the Prairie style world and that problems are fixed in that 45 minute span of time. Yes I know that I am mixing metaphors here but bear with me please. We just need to send Charles Ingles into town and he will get it right with a little elbow grease. The problem is that our people, or nation, and our world are much too complex to be repaired like the broken saw in Mr. Anderson’s lumber mill. In my opinion the place to start this long and difficult process is that we do need to get the right type of people into office but then we must also give them the ability to do the job once they are there. And that is accomplished by getting the money out of politics. This will not solve all the problems but freeing up the congress to better do their job will certainly help us along. First we must understand that no matter how hard we try we will never rid our world of corruption. It is in all fields and at all levels. From the homeless man on the street buying liquor with the spare change you hand him to the CEO on the top floor playing fast and loose with your pension funds. But to generalize and say that all CEOs are bad, and that all those on welfare or in shelters are bad just creates more problems and fixes nothing. When you do the research, I mean real research not just a quick 20 minutes of FOX or MSNBC in the morning, as you get dressed. But actually read and listen to people on both sides of the issues. Actually verifying the facts before you just blindly accept and start spouting the talking points. The research and the writings of those actually in the trenches tells us that a congressman spends more than half of their time on fundraising and meeting with lobbyists. This fact should disgust and sicken us as citizens. But again we think well if we put Mr. C in that office rather than Mr. X it would be different. The sad truth is that is not different. The system is broken not the people in it. We see study after study showing us that on average politicians in office, that means already on the job we hired them to do spend 55-65% of their day is spent trying to raise money for the always-looming next election. I know the first answer out of most people about this is “term limits” that will fix them. Truth is that term limits wont help in the long run. In fact we will discuss later that based on the turnover of politician-lobbyist-lobbyist-politician it will make the problem much worse. The biggest thing one should take from this information is this. How can we expect good and decent policy to come from congress when they spend a mere 40% of their time working on it? They are hired to be our representatives in Washington yet the majority of their time they are busy asking for money from a very small and rich part of our nation. Why does this tiny portion of our population demand so much of our employee’s time? And the larger and more important question is why do we as the general population allow them to have this much power? If the majority of a congressman’s time is focused on this slim portion of the country it stands to reason that the balance of their policy work and influence is weighted toward that small powerful rich minority. So when he considers which bills to write, support or vote for his loyalty is unbalanced as well. This is not good for the nation. This is a problem no matter who is in that seat. No matter how long they intend to occupy that seat. Whether that time is limited by their choice, our votes, or term limits. In fact logic dictates that if their time is limited they have a shorter time to please those who can benefit them financially. They will fight harder to please anyone who can profit their personal career after his time in office is complete. In fact the turnover of politicians to lobbyist or banker and the other way around is absolutely shocking. So what we have is a small group of people moving from a place in government to a place in big business or from business to government. They all know each other and what the interest of the other might be. I hear again and again how the system in broken. How Washington doesn’t work anymore, that the politicians are corrupt. But the single solution from these cries is always the same. Change those in charge and it will work. But for the past 30 years we have tried that again and again. Nothing has changed. In fact study after study shows that the gap between rich and poor has grown and the middle class is shrinking. Yet we still believe those in office will listen to us if we just pick the right person. It is the same as having bad breaks on a car, but changing the tires every couple of months hoping the problem will fix itself and just go away. We complain how our government officials are corrupt so we get angry and throw them out of office. We say it is unethical for them to take bribes. Yet we very seldom see anger at those paying the bribes, its tad amount to arresting a drug addict after a street corner exchange but letting the dealer go free, as if he was breaking no crime merely providing a service. Please don’t misunderstand. I am by no means excusing the politicians for their part nor am I saying they haven’t done wrong. I am simply making the point that by only attacking half the problem we will never fix the entire problem. If we continue to change those in office every two, four, or six years those who pay them off don’t need to do anything but change the routing numbers and send the funds to a different account. Those who are in financial power do not concern themselves with which party is in power, only how to use that party’s interest to their advantage. They simply change their tactics to appeal to the person in charge of that particular district or senate seat. Perhaps we need to change how we the people find out about and choose those who will represent us? We need to demand that our courts stop recognizing money as speech. Otherwise those with the most money will have the loudest and most powerful voice. The voice of the common man will be drown out. Yet sadly we continue to argue over left, right, liberal, conservative, Democrat, or Republican issues. In my mind that is exactly the way Wall Street wants it. The more time we spend fighting over which candidate to put in office the less we notice candidates are in their pockets. So then what must change what must be done? Well many have tried to change it. Anybody remember the famous McCain-Feingold Bill? Bills like this have failed to achieve their goal of getting money out of politics. Mainly because they never try to get all the money out, because after all money is speech. So they decide to choose some arbitrary number and make that the limit. Saying okay this is it this is the most anyone can donate. And we promise to be open and transparent, about where the money is coming from. The problem with this is that there will always be that next election looming in the background. And all the politicians understand it will take millions of dollars to win it. The most well known lobbyist of the recent past is Jack Abramoff. He has been tried and convicted of many illegal acts in connection with his position. He states in an article he wrote personally for the New York Post on November 10, 2011. “During my time lobbying I found the vast majority of congressional staff I encountered wanted to get a job on K Street. And why not? Their jobs on the Hill were only as secure as their boss’s re-election prospects.” The goes on to say that even a rule banning lobbyists who are former congress men from direct contact it still happens. He states they would often call their friends in Congress and say they were not lobbying because that is wrong. However I do work for ABC Company and others in the company may lobby and be in contact with you. So here we have one of the most unethical lobbyist in recent history telling us how he was able to commit the crimes. He knew that so many in congress want to work for large corporations and make millions of dollars. And they get into bed with the current lobbyists to achieve that. But it also works the other way. Those in the Banking and Oil industries who lobby also go into politics in order to write and enact the laws that will help the companies they worked for in the past. Yet we are to believe that the have broken all past business ties and now only hold the interest of the people. So what is Mr. Abramoff’s solution to this problem that he says will not go away unless laws are passed? He says a lifetime ban on members of congress and their staff from ever lobbying in congress for any reason, or associating in anyway in for profit lobbying efforts. Yes this sounds harsh and drastic. But something must be done to protect the interest of the common man. We so often hear how much small business hates all the rules, regulations and red tape involved in dealing with the government. Large businesses and giant corporations can hire people who only do the government paperwork and can be up to date on any new rules. If you did the real research you would find that the lobbyists write the most of the laws that affect small business or backed by the lobbyists who work for giant corporations. Knowing all too well that they can bury the small businessman in so much paper work he will give up. Another issue rarely discussed in politics or in political discussion is the true definition of a small business and the government’s definition of a small business. They are two vastly different items. When we think of a small business we think of a ma and pa pizza shop on the street corner, one that might employee at most 20 people. But in the eyes of the government and congress any business with 500 employees or less is considered a small business. So question becomes if congressman A gets a $200 donation from pizza restaurant owner and a $8,000 donation for the factory owner with 499 employees whom will that congressman be loyal to when in office? Again we see a system where those who have the most money have the loudest voice. I expect our founding fathers wanted a nation where each and every citizen had the same voice and the same amount of influence. But sadly that is no longer the case. And the more we allow it to happen the worse it will get and the harder it will be to fix. As stated earlier our politicians s pend 60% of their time asking for money that could be from a lobbyist, corporation, or even the average person. The point however is that no matter who it is giving him the money its wrong. He should be spending 100% of his time doing his job, focus on policy. I know of no other job on earth where you can get paid 100% of your salary for working only 40% of the time. The biggest question becomes then how do we get the average everyday person to care enough about this problem to want to fix it. Or even that it is the cause of the problem. Here is the problem as I see it. Those in office are beholding to the very corporations that are sitting on millions of taxpayer dollars. Yet they are not using the rescue tax dollars to help out the average American. The banking community is current holding two trillion dollars of taxpayer money. Bank of America recently announced it laid off 30,000 people. I am only guessing here but I doubt that Bank of America customers are seeing their banking fees coming down. And I would like to see how many of those 30,000 were in high paid upper management positions. So we tell our members of congress we want better health care but hey are too fearful to actually deal with restructuring the private insurance monopolies, nor do they want to deal with restructuring the billion dollar contracts held by the drug companies. So they leave these things intact yet still want the better protect the customer. This process ends up creating a huge debt and deficit problem. It also just pushes the next financial crisis to the next election cycle. Then the process starts over again. We get mad and scream that those in office need to be tossed out. So we do those who get kicked out move on to banking jobs that still influence the new congress. We have seen some in congress try to fix this problem, like Dodd-Frank, McCain-Fingold. However by the time the bills actually get put into place they are so torn apart, and gutted that they do nothing to solve the issue. Mainly because those in congress are never able to say that there should be NO money from PAC, corporations, or Special Interest since the court says money is speech. So instead they pick some arbitrary figure and say that is the limit and this will solve the problem. So I do not see anything happening until we are able to say that money is not speech. If we continue down this path it will only get worse. More money will pour into politics and we will loser our voice. But why is it that the courts keep saying money is speech. Because the congress has never passed the law saying money is not speech. So long as the corporate giants and the lobbyists get and demand 60% of our congress’ time we the people will be left behind. -Johnny V,

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Tender

The tears of the night wake as the sparkle of dew on the morning grass.

So too the bright pools of her eyes shine their hello.

Rest your weary soul they whisper.

The comfort of her bosom like a cool summer breeze, beckons the troubled spirit.

Rest your burdens here, free your troubled mind.

-Johnny V.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

New health update.

Okay that is kind of a lie. Its really nothing new just got an answer to an open questions that many have been pressing me about. I called the folks at University Hospital asking if they could move my appointment up. They said no. Told them I was still having breathing issues and dizzy spells. Asked them if they had any suggestions. Just take it easy they said. Fuck. So I will I guess continue to sit on my ass until I go up to Denver. Im so sick of this shit. I feel so useless. But any little movement or activity I try seems to make me dizzy or strange. But I have not died yet. So lets see what happens. -Johnny V.

Tears

Her cries like a late night rain emerge as dew on the morning flowers.
Her smile widens as her shame goes deeper.
Hidden from sight the blackness slips her soul.
The anguish lies still waiting for permission.
As the tumblers seal the door her heart is again heavy.
Her demons are fed.
Her fear lost in darkness.
-Johnny V.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Orb

Deeper and deeper it plunges, Sadness consumes from within. Empty is how I live my life. The thickened red orb struggles hopelessly to feed its host. -Johnny V.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

My Will

Well feeling a bit stronger today. But we will see how long that will last. Carmen and I have been talking and I have been thinking that due to the seriousness of this situation and the pending surgery that I should create a final will including a living will. My friend Rhys gets my book collection. But if you know of anything in my sad little life collection that you would like let me know, send me an email or a FB message. I have no money and no posessions but what little I have will not be needed if things don't go well. I love you all.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Random update.

Put call into doctor about moving up my appointment. The dizzy spells and light headedness are getting more frequent and stronger. Something needs to happen. I am doing so very little physically but struggling still. Please keep me in your prayers it is getting to a point where its moved from mere worry to scary, I'm terrified. On a good note its inspired my writing. I have a few new poems one written on here. A few in my head. And some new political writings coming soon.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Loneliness

Loneliness and despair have long been my companions, my bedfellows. One may stray, needing brighter horizons. But like the prodigal son, always returns, pockets empty and pride diminished. Welcomed back into the fold. Seeking the comfort of the familiar illness over the health unknown. -Johnny V.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Update

Well started the day okay. But ran a few errands and before I knew it I was wore out and dizzy. This is really getting shitty. I am just tired of getting tired and dizzy so fast. My wife and family keeps telling me to call my doctor. But I am not sure what all he can do. It is the Denver doctor who will decide and if so perform the surgery. And I can't get in to see him till May 8th. I just feel trapped and helpless. Like I have no control at all. And anyone who knows me well knows that I can at times be a control freak.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Dangle

The silky, white, arch is visible just above the soft leather. A slight nudge and the strap breaks its hold. Allowing her spiked neighbor to hover just above the ground. The plump digits balance the pointed front line. From across the room he hopes it will tumble to the floor. -Johnny V.

Scars

The scars of failed attempts mock her.
She rages against the urge to go deep.
Darkness is too great.
The scarlet liquid kisses the cold air.
Her anguish slips out for the last time.
-Johnny V.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Still struggling.

Well still getting dizzy and light headed. Having hard time breathing but I'm ok. No longer able to work. Get these feelings with very little activity. So am unsure what I am able to do. Understand from Denver doctor that will be laid up for about 3 months after surgery. Which may not take place till June. The only thing I think might come out of this that's positive is that I may just GI back to school and finally finish the MA. Not sure right now just dealing with the feeling that my life is falling apart around me and there us nothing I can do about it. Please keep me in your prayers. -Johnny V.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Not a good day!

I am really struggling today. Having a difficult time catching my breath. Getting dizzy and feeling light headed. But I've been here before. But I'm also dealing with a problem in my personal life too. I've done some things I'm not proud of. I allowed something to take control. I allowed it to become a dangerous obsession. I'm not sure how bad it will get. Just hoping it is not too bad. Love you all. -Johnny V.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Here is what I have.....Scary!

Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (HCM) is very common and can affect people of any age. About 1 out of every 500 people has HCM. It affects men and women equally. HCM is a common cause of sudden cardiac arrest (SCA) in young people, including young athletes. HCM occurs if heart muscle cells enlarge and cause the walls of the ventricles (usually the left ventricle) to thicken. Despite this thickening, the ventricle size often remains normal. However, the thickening may block blood flow out of the ventricle. If this happens, the condition is called obstructive hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Sometimes, the septum thickens and bulges into the left ventricle. This also can block blood flow out of the left ventricle. (The septum is the wall that divides the left and right sides of the heart.) If a blockage occurs, the ventricle must work hard to pump blood to the body. Symptoms can include chest pain, dizziness, shortness of breath, or fainting. HCM also can affect the heart's mitral (MI-trul) valve, causing blood to leak backward through the valve. Sometimes the thickened heart muscle doesn't block blood flow out of the left ventricle. This is called nonobstructive hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. The entire ventricle may thicken, or the thickening may happen only at the bottom of the heart. The right ventricle also may be affected. In both types of HCM (obstructive and nonobstructive), the thickened muscle makes the inside of the left ventricle smaller, so it holds less blood. The walls of the ventricle also may stiffen. As a result, the ventricle is less able to relax and fill with blood. These changes can raise blood pressure in the ventricles and the blood vessels of the lungs. Changes also occur to the cells in the damaged heart muscle. This may disrupt the heart's electrical signals and lead to arrhythmias. Some people who have HCM have no signs or symptoms. The disease doesn't affect their lives. Others have severe symptoms and complications. For example, they may have shortness of breath, serious arrhythmias, or an inability to exercise. Rarely, people who have HCM can have SCA during very vigorous physical activity. The physical activity can trigger dangerous arrhythmias. If you have HCM, ask your doctor what types and amounts of physical activity are safe for you.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Heart update!

Well appointment set May 8th. This will be consult to decide what to do. I will also be getting a packet of information of options open to me. None so far seem good. Physically not doing great. Getting very winded and dizzy. Will most likely have to take FMLA because its too hard at work. Please keep me in your thoughts.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Heart update

I am currently taking a shit load of drugs. All is good, blood pressure down, colesterol low, arteries very clear. Only problem is super thick heart muscle, especially around the valve. So my doctor feels surgery is the only other option. He is having big specialist from Denver's University Hospital see me and evaluate me. I'm still experiencing fatigue, shortness of breath and dizzy spells. From what doc has told me and what I've read the problem is heart is so think it is struggling to pump enough blood. Thus the dizzy spells and fatigue. There are a few different surgery procedures none of which are safe, easy, or simple. That is what scares me so very much. It is so bad that I have looked into creating a will and arranging services. I am not sure if prayer will help as it was god who gave me this heart. Anyway that is the jest of the situation. Thank you all for listening, we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
-Johnny V.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Darkness

I call out to you in the darkness but silence.
My screams are brought mute before they escape my soul.
The wind sings its taunts through the branches.
A fruitless search in the eyes of those I love.
My desires to posses you over power me.
The path is chosen long before we take our first step.
Loneliness is my only companion. -Johnny V.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Fate

Yells, and passion rose from the depths, but upon deaf ears did fall.

Cancelled in a flash and the sun was black, fear was the order of the day.

Once superior to the earth,
man became as a faded freckle.
His self-importance vanished he ceased in one instant to matter.

Destruction noted no wealth, no status, no race. Seas and rivers did force their wet feet upon the land.

Fires of hate were extinguished, only cinders remained. Ships, homeless and sailorless, did but rot on the water.

Those in the afterfall now envied those taken. For they roamed the desolation unsure.

Their hunger and famine, forced and unholy feeding.

The moon our once loving and tender mistress. Now cold lost and blackened.

The charmed experiment called heaven was no more.

-Johnny V.

Racism: Does it still exist?

There are many who want to believe that the election of an African American President means this country has achieved the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King. I do not agree. This is a simplification of the situation. Don’t get me wrong it does show that we as a nation have made great strides. We have come a long way as the cigarette ad tells us.
What is disturbing is that there are many who think that this election means its all okay and want to simply sweep racism under the rug and pretend it has been defeated in our nation. That type of thinking is far more dangerous than the racism itself. Denying its existence can do much more harm. There are many who want to simply by-pass some of the horrible events that have occurred in our nation’s history.
Such as the many treaties our government has broken. Not just with the Native Americans but with other nations, such as Mexico. Promises that were made and then taken back simply because they no longer suited us. Sadly they are a large part of your past.
Many of our history books just literally gloss over certain events or give fleeting accounts. They want to forget the cruel things done to the Native people of this land. They want to claim that since slavery is no more that talking about it is pointless. They want to believe that the Alamo and the Civil War had nothing to do with slavery but merely freedom. That sending Japanese Americans to camps during WWII was just a way of protecting ourselves.
The problem as I see it is that since the passage of the Civil Rights Act racism has not gone away but has gone underground. Out right open discrimination was no longer allowed. But the thinking and the mindset doesn’t go away. The second part of the problem is that being discriminated against, being offended, and insulted by a remark or action are feelings. You can’t argue away feelings. You can’t tell someone that their feelings are wrong and that they shouldn’t “feel” that way. That is the same for telling somebody not to love a certain person or not to be sad or angry right now. Or tell them they should be happy.
Recently at the school where I work they held a dress up day entitled “tribe day.” Students showed up wearing long feather headdress, painted faces, and carrying tomahawks. Seeing this made me feel very insulted and angry. I was deeply offended. For someone to tell me to just get over it or that I was just being too sensitive is a prime example of the problem. In essence what it does is to imply that my views or the views of others offended do not matter. That our values or things we hold dear are not to be held in regard or that the things which we hold dear to our culture are not important. The same applies when I hear people say that people should not be offended by the “Washington Redskins” or the “Cleveland Indians.” I doubt that there would ever be a team called the “Vermont Whities,” or the “Dallas Protestants.” But I could only imagine the firestorm should not names ever be proposed.
The election of Braarack Obama is not an indication that we have overcome the problem of racism. If anything it has allowed some beliefs and ideas long hidden to rise to the surface once again. This can be a good thing as long as people are willing to admit that these beliefs exist. As long as they are willing to honestly address the issue. If not then the anger, resentment, and hatred from both sides will eventually grow and then explode.
My fear is that if it does blow up it will be in a way which will make the civil rights, and Chicano movement of the late 1960s appear tame in comparison. I am afraid we would see violence at the level of the French and Russian Revolutions.
In someway I can see why people believe racism is no longer with us. Since it has gone underground and become hidden we no longer see the blatant racism we used to see. Such as the sign in the window saying, “white only” or “no Mexicans allowed.” Although many are unwilling to accept it but minorities are often spoken to and treated in a very different manner. Again as an educator, I have seen it happen under the radar. It is like the bully who is well-behaved in the presence of an authority figure but will taunt and punch the smaller child when nobody is looking.
So the fact that many do not see racism in this nation in no way negate its existence. What they need to do is to begin listening to the voices who are upset and longing to be heard. But more than this those who are experiencing the brunt of this revival of racially charged thought and expression. We who believe that we have come a long way but still have much growth must speak louder than those who are attempting to return our nation to a time of separation, anger, distain, and hatred.

Less government means less freedom!

“Freedom in general may be defined
as the absence of obstacles to
the realization of desires.” –Bertrand Russell



I know that our anti-government groups will fight me on this to the end but I am going to make the point that the biggest danger to our liberties and freedoms comes from the private sector and that often we turn to the government as our protector of those rights. The danger lies not in more and growing government but in its shrinking and starvation willed on it by many.
The party that likes to associate itself with the idea of constitutional freedom is the Republican Party. What I find interesting is that some of the most serious historical violation of our direct rights has come to us from Republican administrations. “The witch hunts” of the McCarthy era, the FBI’s harassment of Civil rights leaders, the Nixon enemies list, and the famous Watergate scandal, and most recently the Patriot Act which rose out of the horrible 9/11 tragedy and has invaded and destroyed more freedoms than any other bill in history.
As many constitutional scholars may argue the rights we so deeply value are actually protected only through a very active government. The stand that many take is that rights and liberties are actually political constructs. The rights do not exist until they are created by law or established in a constitution. Otherwise why is there a need to mention it at all? It would be the same as saying we have the right to breathe.
We are reminded that the Pre-amble of our constitution does not discuss its creation to secure our liberties and posterity, which exists. It says in order to “ordain and establish” those rights. We do not have our rights taken from us by the establishment of a representative government. We simply have those rights protected and secured by that very government so many want us to fear.
Conservatives tend to make the distinction incorrectly I believe, between negative and positive rights. Negative rights such as the freedom of speech and religion are safe as long as the government merely doesn’t interfere with certain actions, while the positive rights are the ones that we argue about and that require or not require government interference. These include right to health care, unemployment, food stamps, welfare, etc.
Another interesting point that many seems to miss is that we often see our rights and civil liberties as the absence of some government action. We consider our speech and religious freedom only when the government does nothing to impede it. We never see our right to free speech violated by our employers, or our schools, or our local community. Yet those sectors often daily impede our rights. We spend so much of our day and our lives at work, a place where we at times have very little rights. We can get fired with no due cause; we can get punished for even associating with people our employers deem wrong such as union organizers.
Those who promote and defend a very minimalist government believe that excluding foreign forces, it is the one and only source of oppressive power in our society. They argue that if we can prevent that government from wielding its power over us that that alone will ensure our freedoms. This however ignores the very strong and large base of power over us in our private lives that can still coerce us and how that action can also greatly limit our freedom. If one takes a look at our history it is at times when the government has taken a hands off approach and stayed out of the private sector that our nation has experienced some of our worst abuses ever. These abuses from the private sector include slavery, corporate monopolies, child labor, and deadly workplaces with no compensation to workers or families, racial and sexual segregation and discrimination. Freedom is not only the ability to do what you want but the ability and responsibility to control your own destiny. When we are left alone by government we may be able to do what we want but there are many hindered by the private sector forces to control their own destiny.
Our rights would be meaningless without a well functioning government. Without the courts to stop any person or organization from violating our freedom of speech that freedom itself becomes moot and unenforceable. The hard fact is that our personal liberties cannot exist or be secured by a simple limitation of government interference. If so then we will render our government frozen useless, and paralyzed. Then the very thing we turn to when those rights are violated becomes powerless to protect those rights, yes even the rights that “seem” negative such as the right not to be tortured or abused by police or prison personnel. We are protected from the abuse of those in power such as law enforcement from the very government that they are trying to diminish.
It is not an easy or small task to protect our individual liberties. Think of all the rights we have that are not considered or thought of on a daily basis. Fair trial, own property, run for office, religion, consumer, collection of debt, to strike, child custody, parental, landlord and tenant rights, self-incrimination, property rights, to petition the government, to privacy, and so on. Enforcing and handling these rights requires we have a strong network of government organization at the federal and state levels. The funding to run these organizations must come from the citizens themselves.
So many of our anti-government proponents argue that you cannot be both pro-rights and pro-government. However the opposite is true. I say you cannot be against government if you support and expect the individual rights to be protected by that same government you oppose. What these folks so often believe is that our rights are only and always freedom from government. This type of thought automatically places a negative mark on government itself. In a sense preventing it from performing its job before it can even begin.
What many who call themselves libertarians seem anxious to do is to break down and starve the government of that funding. A government which is held hostage, starved, and weakened by its citizens either by a lack of funds or power will not in turn be able to come to the aid of those same citizens when they are harmed, whether that harm is internal or external. We have seen this happen in the past most recently in the former Soviet Union. When this does happen the rights of the citizens and the safety of the citizens become unenforceable and non-existent.
The very rights we value and claim to love depend directly on the very government we hold in contempt. So we must have a healthy and active state. If we value rights in some sense we must also value the government which protects those rights. Without the power and the authority behind a well financed state the rights of its citizens we hold so dear are unprotected and worthless.
The anti-government forces have claimed that the growth and expansion of government in the last 75 years has destroyed this nation. This was begun they say by their favorite punching bag President Franklin Roosevelt. They love to talk about the programs of FDR as evil incarnate spreading the evil of socialism across our nation. Killing everything the god-like founding fathers fought for.
In fact if one were to view this growth as growing to meet the need of the nation for additional freedoms then the government is merely protecting more rights for more people. The changes in the last century have liberated more Americans than in anytime in our great history. Social Security has helped millions from the destitution of their old age, giving them more freedom. Equal rights legislation has given women and minorities the right to vote, live where they choose, eat and drink where they wish, earn equal pay for the same work. Because of public health efforts it has freed many of Americans from horrible and devastating diseases like smallpox, polio, and the like. Millions of elderly are free from worry about health care thanks to Medicare. Thanks to the right to strike laws many are free from dangerous and oppressive workplace environments. Due to American’s With Disabilities Act we now see millions freer to move around their world, work and contribute to society, including paying taxes.
Gone are the times of the log cabin and small general stores. Gone is the time when we honestly and literally held and controlled our own fate. We have moved passed the building phase of this nation. We now need to focus on the upkeep, maintenance, and growth within a global society. Despite the denial of many smaller government advocates we do live in a very large and complex economic and social world. We are truly at the mercy of a systemic large economic world. The rise and fall of markets, the impact of globalization, the freezing of wages, the increase of income inequality, outsourcing of many jobs, rising health care cost etc.
The loud cry from the libertarians has been that government needs to leave us alone. This claim is in the larger context a threat rather than a benefit. It is like being set in the middle of the ocean in a small rowboat and being told you’re in charge. True you may very well be the captain of your own ship but you are still at the mercy of the storms, tides, and sharks. If you do survive even the aforementioned, you still must deal with thirst, hunger, heatstroke, and dehydration. We are left to battle the overpowering forces of the giant societal and private sector powers that we have little of no influence on and are deathly ill prepared to do battle.
In today’s world being fee to control your own destiny requires a great deal of power and money. If you have wealth you can tend to your everyday needs such as food, shelter and protection. You are then more easily able to control your life as an individual. With wealth comes the ability to choose, and the luxury to decide where to live what job you want, or even to have a job at all. You can choose what to do with yourself each and every day. But many lack this power. They are so busy trying to maintain even basic needs that to strive for more is foreign to them and out of reach. So these people must rely on that powerful collective, and that we call a strong democratic active government.
The reason our government has grown is because these people had the courage to rise up and band together politically to demand their rights and freedoms. They have called on the government to rescue them from an oppressive and harmful workplace and social restrictions. Only the government and its people can ensure the safety and protection of those at the bottom layer of society. Only the government can give them the power to have influence over their own destiny. We need to stop viewing government as something that has power over us and see it as a tool for ensuring our power.
Those in the anti-government movement since the 1980s have created an atmosphere where government is seen as the enemy, and in no way can government ever work with people to promote freedom. They claim that they are protecting citizens from the abuses of government. But these people seem to completely ignore the abuses of power that come from the private sector. Instead of fighting for the rights of each and every citizen many seem only to be interested in fighting for the rights of a few. They battle for a limited very particular group. Such as people who want the right to own assault rifles, or companies wanting the right to pollute. They tend to put the rights and concerns of property owners over and above those with nothing.
While battling for the rights of those mentioned they seem to fight against the broader rights of those who tend to dwell at the bottom level of society, such as the right to health care or to attend college. In my view they seem to activity campaign against these types of programs. Because of the cost involved. It seems that their dislike for government is more a dislike for taxation and government spending on the needs of the poor and minorities in the nation. It always boils down the idea they just want to keep more of their money. That is why their idea of freedom is so very narrow. An opt out system can in my opinion easily resolve this issue.
These Libertarians love to argue that people should not have a government bureaucrat telling them what to do. Yet they tend to forget for years that we have had powers in the private sector telling us how to live, what wage we earn, when to work, when to get fired, when it is safe to work, etc. The health insurance industry for years has been telling us which treatments and drugs we can and cannot have. They choose which people will and will not be afforded health coverage.
If you are going to argue for the rights of Americans then please fight for the rights of all Americans not only those with money and means. Stand up for all those which the constitution was created to defend, those most at the mercy of a corrupt power, whether its government of private. Be willing to defend not only those who think and act like you but also those who are the polar opposite of you.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Is More Government Really Bad?

The one time king of the “government is evil” cry and corporate puppet Ronald Reagan once said, “Runaway government threatens the very preservation of freedom itself.”

How dare the government keep any true American from riding a motorcycle without a helmet? So we constantly hear the government is bad cry from the hard core libertarians. So often the idea and government are two opposing and mutually exclusive concepts. It seems that one cannot exist without destroying the other.

One of the greatest political victories of the conservative right in the last forty years has been creating the belief that government itself is wrong and bad. That it is the government not the private sector who hinders freedoms. In one single political stoke that concept seems to render many liberal policies and initiatives as damaging and anti-American. Any attempt to expand social programs or increase business regulations becomes itself a direct attack on freedom.

The problem with this mindset is two-fold. First it begins from a belief that government it self is inherently bad for and damaging to freedom. What follows from that is that any attempt by the government to assist in the lives of its citizens is by definition an infringement on the freedom of such citizens rendering the effort a failure before it has even implemented and regardless of its results.

Secondly is that almost entirely forces us to see the relationship between government and freedom adversarial and combative. It also creates a strong suspect between the government and the very people it is expected to serve. It implies the “Big Brother” stereotype. One problem with this idea is that it assumes the mere size of government has a direct correlation on its oppressiveness. This is at its base a false dichotomy. The belief that only a small government can provide, protect and save our freedom is not very valid reasoning.

There is the possibility of a small but very oppressive government, allowing only one party rule, no freedom of speech or press. In opposition one can have a very large government with a strong public sector of power that is still able to maintain strong freedoms for its citizens. One great living example is the country of Belgium. Its government is nearly twice the size of the US based on its comparative size vs. GDP ratio. Yet its citizens enjoy almost the same liberties and rights we do. They have quite an extensive health care system. They have a very generous unemployment and pension programs. Check the records we have very few political refugees fleeing the political oppression of Belgium.

This is argument is strengthened as well by taking a look as many of the most common activities handled and controlled by our government. Those activities are not in and of themselves not oppressive. These include but are not limited to: putting out fires, fighting crime, fighting disease, building roads & bridges, funding research, providing parks & recreation areas, educating our children, sewage treatment, funding our poor, and providing medical care for the elderly, It seems that the one over powering cry from the small government crowd always ends up truly being about money and taxes. As one follows the logic of the argument we find the opponent is mostly angered by the amount of taxes he has to pay to help others. This idea will be addressed in a later blog.

Sadly one of the most popular arguments from the anti-government crew is one of the weakest with a glaring logical fallacy that is virtually ignored. It is of course the slippery slope reasoning. Examples being the creation of mandatory no-smoking laws will automatically lead to the downright outlawing of cigarettes. That the government requiring background checks for gun owners will undoubtedly lead to major gun restrictions and of course the confiscation of guns by the government. Leaving its citizenry unarmed and unprotected. This is additionally hampered by the false assumption that the government would take up arms against the people, even if we were to grant the invalid reasoning. Or lastly those environmental protections of wetlands will destroy private property rights and lead to government control of all property.

As Max Nieman explains:

It is common among conservative critics of public activism to characterize government growth in the arena of social welfare, environment, consumer, and worker protection, and income security as steps toward the loss of liberty and even totalitarianism. Many critics of the emergence of the modern social welfare state…have tried to convey the sense that the road to totalitarian hell is paved with the good intentions of the social democratic program…There is no record, however, of any oppressive regime having taken power by advancing on the social welfare front. Lenin and Stalin, Mussolini, Mao, Tse-tung, Castro, and Chile’s Pinochet did not consolidate power by gradually increasing social welfare programs, taxes, and regulation of the environment or workplace. Rather, these assaults on personal freedom and democratic governance involved limitation on civil rights and political rights, the legitimization of oppression and discrimination against disfavored or unpopular groups, and the centralization and expansion of military and policy forces. Hitler did not become the supreme ruler of the Nazi state by first taking over the health department. (1)

We can all at least agree I think that to limit the freedom of those who might choose to harm society is valid. We may not agree on who falls in that category. While conservatives tend to have no problem what so every cancelling freedoms of those who choose to rob, rape, do drugs, or murder. They tend to be less forceful about the businesses which may defraud investors and customers, or factories willing to dump harmful chemicals in our water supply. Or drug companies free to sell dangerous or untested medication. So we may tend to disagree on what best serves the public interest.

One of the most interesting and often loudest complaints of government intrusion from our antigovernment brothers is helmet and traffic laws, as well as auto and truck registration. (even though that is city and county not federal) However, one can also view both of these as liberating as well. We have seen the damages associated with motorcycle accidents drop after such helmet laws are put into place. This can be a benefit for all as a savings in insurance rates, the lowering of stress and over work of hospital and rescue employees. Also the requirements of many traffic laws, such as speed limits, traffic signs, vehicle upkeep requirements enables each of us to have safer and freer travel throughout this country. If all were allowed to avoid traffic laws and to drive automobiles in ill repair immobilized by fear of accidents and crashes.

Lastly we are given even deeper and better liberties because of so called government interference. For example we are free to breathe clean air, and drink clean water because of environmental laws. The grail of the libertarians known as “Free Market” could itself not survive or function without certain major government rules regarding economic actions such as laws about contract, property rights, debt collection, fraud etc. In my opinion without some government our capitalism system would itself fall into decay and chaos. We become free to join in that market because of those very laws that protect us in the process.

Of course that is just my opinion I could be wrong.

-John M. Valdez