She Enters my dreams

My frightened soul is the devil’s playground.

His bitter revenge hides amongst the scars of my heart.

He brings her to me like a temptation just out of reach.

My breath escapes like so many vanquished dreams.

Her brittle fingertips caress my naked dreams.

I am helpless to her touch.

Her breath like roses in spring has conquered my will.

But her brutal transformation is soon to come.

-Johnny V.

Blue funk!

Not sure why. I am in a serious blue funk lately. It's not getting any better. I think its a mix of things. My father's birthday is on Sunday. I'm not looking forward to it. It's going to be exceptionally difficult. Some things in my life are just not going the way I'd like them to. Including my health. Ever since the failed procedure, I've felt worse. I'm just simply not a happy camper.

-Johnny V.

I won

I don't believe it. I entered a poetry contest at a local coffee shop. Well I actually won it. I am shocked. I feel so great. I have liked writing poetry it has helped with so much of my pain. I am happy about this. I get to read it in a few days at this same place at their monthly poetry night. I am deeply moved. I have only won awards for directing plays. That is something I have done for a long time and I know I'm good at. But this is new.

-Johnny V.

The Sea

Her vast, soft, wet belly beckons me, tempts me, seduces me. Her forgiveness is dashed upon the silent rocks. Her deepest desires hidden for a thousand million years. She masks her cruel, violent, vengeful nature with a calm blue luster. The countless lost souls are her's to keep. That selfish siren, the sea. -Johnny V.

She knows

Once more into the fray she tells me. She knows I won't bear it.

She steals what little dignity I have collected. And tosses it aside at her pleasure.

I beg her to stop but she continues at will, crushing my heart in her wake.

She calls for her demon followers they appear from the darkness.

As always they feed off my weakened and bitter soul.

-Johnny V.

My heart!

Well as we know the heart can have a great deal of effect on our lives. Both in reality and in metaphor. Well I am dealing with both. Not sure how I feel about either one. Part of me was hoping that when they poured the alcohol on my heart it would kill the part that was hurting so much. And ironically they didn't do it. And the hurt has changed a little. Oh well such is life. I will just have to wait and see what happens with the knife in July. Later I will post what exactly they will be doing. Complete with picture from the surgeon. Well one he drew on the white board in my room not real life one. But those were pretty cool too. As I said I was awake though the whole thing and saw most of what they were doing on screen. It was strange and cool all at the same time. Not as creepy as my cornea transplant. That was uber creepy. This time was really rough on my daughter. She insisted on coming up to Denver with us. She wanted to be there. But when she saw me hooked up to IV and other stuff she kinda lost it. Wife said she cried on way to my mother in law's house. So we are not sure if she will be there next time till I am in regular room and minus tubes and stuff like that.

The first day back

At home feeling very crappy. Big breathing trouble. Even with just few moments off the oxygen. Gonna try taking a nap see if that works. Got a lot of different things on my horizon. Not sure what to expect from them. Some were expected some not. Some hoped for some not. Worried that some may end badly. Such is life.

-Johnny V.

Heart update

Well my dear loving friends following the sad pathetic cycle that is my life. Sorry to disappoint you but I am alive. Mainly because, as you all may know the procedure did not go well. Actually to be honest it didn’t “go” period. After getting the catheter in place and looking at the mapping of the veins and arteries surrounding and feeding the heart they felt it was much too dangerous and risky to use the alcohol. It was too complicated to do it without causing a very severe and large heart attack. So they did not go through with it. Instead they as was expected if this didn’t work referred me to the actual heart surgeon and will be forced to perform open-heart surgery. At which time they will be able to see the enlarged muscle and cut it away without damaging the rest of the heart. This however will be much more dangerous and invasive for me. My hospital stay will be around 5-7 days and my recovery around 2 months. Also in addition to my already unsightly body I will be adding a large chest scar. How fun is that? I thank you all for your love and prayers. I know it is asking a lot but please keep praying for me, as I will need much more help. Again I love you all and I know that I could never get by without your support, friendship, and toe wiggles.

What's happened

Well they couldn't do the alcohol thing. They got in there and realized it was too risky and dangerous. So they will have to do the full open heart thing in late July. I'm very worried and nervous. I am just so tired of this.

-Johnny V.

WOW!

How is it that some people can be so cruel? I just dont understand.

Getting ready

On the way to hospital. Scared as Hell.

June 19, 2012

Well tomorrow afternoon we go to Denver. We will stay on hotel near the hospital since we have to be there are six thirty. The actual surgery will began around nine I guess. It should take about two hours. Then be in ICU for a few hours till they feel I am okay. Then to regular room. I hope to go home Friday. But not sure. So I am betting on Saturday. So if its Friday I can be surprised. I am getting very scared as it draws closer. I mean it seems sometimes like its easy. But fuck man they are going to be messing with my heart. That could go really wrong and Im worried. But I will just have to go face it and see what happens. Thanks for all the love and support and for those of you that read this thank you. And a big thanks to Kristine for actually making a comment or two. -Johnny V.

Coffee

Had coffee with dear friend this morning. Ran to library. But not breathing good today at all. Going to be a very bad day. Going home to chill.

-Johnny V.

The Guardians

The guardians at the gate know my name. But still won’t let me cross. I don’t belong, they preach. I’m not wanted anywhere. The devil rises up heavy with gold and offers me a bed. I tell him my soul is not for sale. But he knows best. After all it is his demons that have created this mess. -Johnny V.

June 18, 2012

Today was a pretty shitty day. Had some things to take care of to get the car ready for our trip up to Denver. And struggled with the heat and breathing badly. Also had some pretty bad dizzy spells. I was just really feeling bad all around. Insomnia hit me again last night and was torturing me pretty bad. But I pulled through it okay. As anyone who read the blog last night could tell I went from a pretty deep dark scary place to being okay. But its still pretty grim inside my soul. I am just working at hiding it better. The pain is still pretty bad. But I am working on it day by day. I just want to ask those who do read this blog to please, oh please now and then add a comment to something you read. Even if it pisses you off and you want to say John you are a dick. Just so that I know it is at least being read and having some type of effect on people. -Johnny V.

New app.

Okay so I downloaded a new app for my phone which allows me to blog quicker and easier. Which means even more stupid stuff nobody wants to read. Sweet....

-Johnny V.

Car

Sitting in dealership waiting for car to be serviced. Getting ready for Denver trip. Feeling really shitty today both physically and emotionally. But it will pass.

Epiphany

Okay I've been thinking. I know I know it is a rare thing. Anyway, I have been so anguished over trying to change the minds of other people. Relying on them to make me happy. I can't do that. I can't do it to my wife, my kids, my friends, or myself.

I've been feeling guilty about some of what I have posted on FB or written on my blog. Then I realized its MY blog. I feel better when I write. It helps me work out my feelings, my fears, my pain. Some people, scream, some exercise, some break things, some drink, I write. That's what I do. It can be my silly blog, my comedy, my poems, my book whatever. But they are my feelings. And nobody has a right to judge my feelings.

If I start quoting facts and my facts are wrong the call me the fuck out on my facts. But only god and I can judge my feelings, my heart, or my soul. I'm proud of my poems, they help me deal with the demons I carry. I'm proud of my book. I think its pretty good. I'm even proud of this silly little blog. So I will continue to write about my feelings. They belong to me. Thank you all for your time we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

-Johnny V.

Demons

The blackness is stronger than my will.

The demons are laughing for they know my weakness.

They have had me here before.

This is where they taunt my soul.

I listen for something beyond their howls but only silence, only rejection.

-Johnny V.

Even Billy Joel doesn't work.

Holly shit I know things are bad when Billy Joel won't even help. I'm so sick of this fucking feeling. I just want the pain to fucking end. I don't know how to make it stop. I am in a mind set I have not been in for a very very long time. And it scares me. I can't escape it. I don't like this place. It is dark and cold. I know it well I have visited it many many times. But I have always escaped. A few times not as easily as others. Some landed me in places I didn't like either. I won't let it take me there this time. I will get out. I can't crumble under the weight of the darkness again. Not now. I found myself looking in the medicine cabinet looking at the bottle of sleeping pills they gave to my wife a while back. I guess god was watching out for me. There were only fucking two left. So I guess that is his way of telling me the demons wont get me this time. I will just have to endure them till they decide to go away. -Johnny v.

Fucked up again.

I can't help it. I just fuck up everything. I try to make it better but just make it worse. I don't know when to stop. I can't let go. It's always been my problem. I don't know why. No wonder I destroy every good thing in my life. I am sorry to those I hurt.

-Johnny V.

Saw an old friend.

Had a great coffee with my old school friend Andy. In high school and college we were the closest. Have not seen him in ages. Gosh how fun. We had a wonderful time. It was awesome. Thanks buddy!!

-Johnny V.

June 16 2012

So many different emotions running through me today. I am first missing my father deeply. We lost him in 2009 and it still hurts like it was yesterday. Tomorrow is going to be hard for all. Next I am excited to spend the day with my family for father's day. Usually we go up to San Isabel and go fishing. But this year with funds depleted and my condition not going to happen. So we will just stay home and be silly together. I am looking forward to the gifts. The kids saved their own money and bought me something. I don't even care what it is. I am just glad. Because they are both so happy and they just can't wait to give them to me tomorrow. I am also worried and scared about my surgery coming up on Thursday. I am worried that something may go wrong. Or that they won't be able to get to the artery and will not be able to do the procedure at all. I am worried that even if they do it nothing with change and I will just keep getting worse. I am worried how it is affecting my wife and kids. And the rest of my family. I know they are scared too but putting on a strong face for me. I love them all for that. And lastly my heart aches still for the loss of the friendship I ruined. I know that so much of what I did was stupid and wrong. But I didn't mean for any of it to happen. But what is also upsetting is that so many of the things she got angry at me for are the same things she was doing or had done. But either she didn't see them as the same or else she was just bothered by my doing them. I don't know which. And since we will likely never speak again I will never know. That hurts. I don't know that anybody ever reads these but I found out that at least one person did. But since I never see any comments on my posts I assume nobody sees them. I always write my poetry hoping someone will see it and comment on them. I am very proud of my work. I think I am pretty good. But sometimes I think that someone commenting on my painful and angry posts might help me to heal a little better. At least to know that somebody can understand or relate to what I am going through. Even if they don't agree with me. -Johnny V.

Today!

FUCK ME!

The Temptress

The temptress leaves her memory like scars upon my soul.

Each escape is a fruitless branch on a winter's bone.

The emptiness of the loss leaves my heart barren and shameless.

My knees are bloodied, but still I beg.

Yet my pleas fall upon a stone heart.

-Johnny V.

June 13, 2012

Having to drink gross stuff to prepare for my procedure tomorrow. It's gross and I'm tired of being sick. I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I am also deeply scared about my surgery. Next week. What if my heart stops and they can't get it started again? I can't focus on anything. My mind is moving from tomorrow to surgery to the valuable friendship I ruined to my wife, kids, and family. I can't stand it anymore. -Johnny V.

I'm working on getting better.

To all my sweet and wonderful Facebook friends who have been watching and following my current physical and emotional roller coaster I have to tell you something. First I thank you deeply for your love and support on both matters. Secondly let me assure you I will be okay. Physically I am feeling better. I am on oxygen 24/7 now. I was supposed to be but wasn’t doing so cause it was pissing me off. But I am taking better care of myself now. Lastly as for the emotional, I am still hurting deeply and will for quite a while longer. But I have a wonderful family and amazing friends all of who help me. I am just going to have to feel like this till I get it worked out, and just don't feel like this anymore. So for a little while you may have to see some of my stupid crybaby posts about my feelings. But it will hurt less and less each day with the help of my family, friends, and God. Thank you again for your love and support. And for those very few who have also been following my blog same thing said here applies there too. I promise I am going to be okay just need time and people to listen to me cry now and then thanks.

June 12, 2012

Well health was shitty today. Took another downward spin. Feeling very weak and light headed again. So sick of this. I just want it to be over. No matter how. I just want it done. But even worse I still can't let go of this pain. I can't just drop the matter and move on with my life. I hate this about myself. I wish I could just go forward with my life. I can't bring myself to erase the texts messages saved in my phone. Or the IM messages in FB. And there are tons of them. Or delete her number from my phone. Yet I am sure she has done all these with my information. I don't know why I cant do this. It just makes everything worse. I want it all to be over. I still want her friendship even now after all this time and pain. But I know her and I doubt it will ever happen. So I just slowly get sadder and sadder. -Johnny V.

Saturday June 9th

Well today was a horrible day. I felt like crap. I didn't sleep well and got up way too early. Plus it was a day I was looking forward to seeing somebody but of course it didn't happen because I fuck things up on a regular basis. I just wish I could keep my stupid mouth shut. I am so sick of losing people because I am so stupid. I don't understand why I can't learn. It happens all the time. I am again having trouble breathing and getting fatigued all over again. I just can't seem to win this battle either physically or emotionally. I don't know if I can make it anymore. -Johnny V.

New update.

Well went to the doctor today. It appears I have very low red blood cell count, and extremely low iron. Doctor if very worried. Wants to check to make sure I am not bleeding internally someplace. Thinking it could be an ulcer or something minor like that. But not sure. This is just one more fucking thing I have to deal with. I am so done with this. FUCK!! -Johnny V.

Quick hello

I am going to enter a poetry contest. With all this pain and shit I have been going through it has had me writing like a fool.

Make it stop

I can't take this any more. I am in constant hurt. Everything reminds me of it. Every place I look, anything I see. I can't shake it. I have small pockets of time with the family having fun where I forget. But then as it winds down there is the pain again. I just want to scream at the sky sometime. I just want to yell at God and ask him, "why me?" Why is it always me? Don't I ever get what I want? Why do I fuck everything up? I am so sick of things not working out for me. Maybe if this surgery goes wrong and I don't wake up, it will just be for the best. Then I can't screw up people's lives anymore. Including my family. I just can't take it anymore. Please somebody make it stop! -Johnny V,

Trust

I have placed my trust in those who would betray me.

Their pleasure in my pain would be grander than their apathy.

But hence tis all I have left.

The ache is beyond this body's limits.

A solution is impossible in its simplicity.

Yet no strength to perform this task remains.

I hold fast to the dust that is left.

The demons of my soul are shouting down the better angels in my brain.

-Johnny V.